morbidhippie's Diaryland Diary it goes something like this; On the whole, when listening to music, i use it as thinking tool. music that moves me, for want of a better term. music i get lost in..anyways, it takes me away, into my world. i find that miss carltons, as well as miss lavignes lyrics and music has a tendency to keep me grounded. i do not get completely lost in this music. there is only one way you can take the lyrics. (i don't know what word i'm searching for right now but shit, i bet it would sound good.) anyways, we'll cut it short, this music gives me 'realness'. i don't travel to this music, i am aware of where i am. i don't geet lost in it. -- by the way, right now i am getting lost..to one divine miss Tori Amos. -- how can i put into words that sudden feeling of -- -- without sounding completely pathetic? -- thats what it's all about. pathetic. even the word is pathetic to use. it just sounds... pathetic. -- reminds me of her. of the words that she used. i need to break your habits. -- i see her in me. i don't like her. how can i like me? -- my sister. the worst thing is, she just so happens to be an amazing, beautiful person. -- but i still remember. -- and so i'm repeating her actions. by doing it to myself. perhaps why i don't let too many close to me...because i know that i'll do it with them. -- but it's ok. see i;m fine because i have this love for myself. amazing. i think i've written about it before. i feel that i to am an amazing, beautiful person. the most amazing, beautiful person i'll ever know. and wth that comes strength. so i'm fine. i can handle it. -- i remember having meetings with myself. and i'd been wondering 'if it seems only jess and lelaina are the ones involved in it all, then why in the meetings does it seem there is another one there?' i've many thoughts as to this one. "mind, body and soul" "cass, jess, lelaina" (another thing, perhaps people are taking these names o represent a "person" i feel is inside me. it's not like that. each name, or word i use represents a whole aspect of me, this, my head..whatever you wish to call it. i can just never find the right word though. so, i use the easiest ones.) the mind body and soul one i won't bother going into. i've already written about it too much on my blog and really can't be assed with it anymore... but the 'cass, jess and lelaina' thing. now thats the big one. the "cass" in it, represents things that she has said, done, the way i have always percieved her, my ambivalence towards her and so on and so on. it also represents taking all these things, and turning them onto myself. perhaps this could be the reason i refuse to let too many people (if any) 'close to me.' because i'm scared that i'll keep doing this shit to them, as i have done many times before. this way, by keeping to myself, i keep all this in myself. another thing cass has shown me is strength. how amazingly strong she is. taking on so much herself, and handling it. or at least appearing as though she was. so, believing that i have this strength in me to, i feel it's ok to be doing this to myself. because i can handle it. i can take all the shit i can give. -- i need to stop. -- this is what i get for writing stoned. -- i think i repeated myself a couple of times throughout this entry to. -- and there's been some kind of "time" theme the past couple of days. 'wasting time', 'it's time time time.' what's with the time thing? i wear two watches. -- i need to stop thinking these things are 'messages'. tv shows. i thought ally msbeal was sending me messages. law and order. shows i never watch, except for a one off - and these things hit close to home so to speak. -- or perhaps i just have a flair for the dramatic. -- perhaps i should sleep more, smoke less, eat more (less), think less, read more, play more piano, concentrate on my school work. and if i do all these things, i'll get better?! "fix you up real good, i don't know you anymore." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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