so painful to see myself in her.

to see her in myself.

and still know that she's amazing. still know how much i love her. still wondering how can she claim she loves me, when she doesn't even know me.

i have abused my so called power, forgive me.

mm how i would love just once to be able to write without being full of cliches.

and how i would love to be able to write without you always telling me what i'm doing wrong.

perhaps thats the problem. she keeps telling me what i'm not doing right, whats pathetic about me.

that was pathetic.

and how can i escape her?

the voice that began as my sister, and became myself.

i see her in me.

and me in her.

and we are bonded by blood.

much as i am bonded with this voice, by blood.

it would be so easy to blame it all on her.

which once again goes back to how similar the two of us are. she blames it all on our parents. i could blame it all on her.

i keep telling myself i'm better.

remember narelle telling me she always knew. she always knew i'd be the one to make a change, to make things ok.

that kind of pressure can do all sorts of strange things to a poor little 16 year old girl.

i got sick of trying to be who everyone else thought i should be.

so i started trying to be who i thought i should be.

reminds me of a quote i found in kurt cobains journals.

"i use pieces of other peoples personalities to form my own."

i used to use that as my excuse. that was why i cut. because i needed something that was purely myne, that hadnt been influenced by an outside force.

but i'm still trying. still trying to find something i can call my own, something i can claim as at least half 'original'.

i should get out of this. but, fear is getting in the way. same old story. too scared to go beyond my comfort zone, out into the unknown depths of some kind of happiness.

still that feeling of 'this is not forever.' still feeling as though somewhere within this beautiful girl, lies the power to drag myself out of all of this. but ya know, all in due time.

i keep that feeling there, as some kind of hope if thats what you would like to call it. keep telling myself that this is only temporary, that whenever i can be bothered, whenever i'm ready..i'll be able to just pick up all the pieces and start again.

perhaps it's true. it probably is.

have to remind myself now that there's nothing wrong with that.

have to remind myself that noneof these things are forever. alot of these things onlylast for an hour or more, then it's forgotten andonto the next thing. whether that be sadnss with a pinch of hope, melancholy with no visible way out or whatever...it always ends eventually.

but what if it was to end and not be replaced by anything.

what happens on the day that i go from melancholy with no visible way out to pure, God fed happiness.

i'll cross that bridge when i come to it i guess. too much to think about right now.

who would've thought that a simple short life would be such a task.

so pathetic to be complaining of the pain of waking up in the morning.

although, there is always that moment of intense disappointment, that comes about 30 seconds after waking up..when you realise that you're back. that you're still here. and tht the world's still turning, people everywhere are up, getting ready for school or work, and that you to should be one of these people. get up. get out of bed. put on my daytime eyes, a good enough disguise..until i get some sleep.

strange..if i had the chance to do it all again, no i wouldn't change anything. but...if things are so 'bad' now, why would you want to go through it all again? you say it as though this life is something wonderful. and there's still that part tha believes it is. that through this sadness, and all of it..something beautiful will come. through my books...it's all reliant on those books. if they fail, then this life will be lost, this sadness was all a waste..all for nothing. hmm but at least i'll remember. the experience will always be there.

all of us sad people...we're all longing for the next plain, and whats keeping us all here? there must be some reason that thre are still so many of us here, thinking of it, wishing for it..but not doing it. something holding us back. fear. or perhaps just the feeling that we dont deserve it..not yet anyway. that there's still so much pain left for us to feel until it's time to give in. seeing how long we can punish oursleves for existing..seeing how much we can take until we can't continue.

i want to stop wanting.

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