i think it's back.

maybe i didn't like to hear.

but everything keeps getting interrupted.

and shit it's starting to piss me off

i still don't know what i'm doing.

i had myself going for awhile then though didn't i.

she is quite the trickster, our little faerie girl

but sometimes she's a friend of myne.

-

figure it out.

-

i have things to do tonight.

school things.

i will.

-

seems i'm one of the boys now.

the thought has been in my head for days that if only i was a men i would be so much more respected

funny isn't it.

penis envy.

but i have my 3 beautiful boys.

one gets talked of often so need to describe him now.

one is a star when he's in his dresses, and makes his home on the stage.

the other is one like me. so much potential, so much to throw away.

i've always found it easier to befriend those of the opposite sex.

women are amazing, beautiful creatures, and i love the fact that i am one of them, but we are complex bizarre creatures as well.

and we're bitchy.

i hate bitches.

but when i think of what i want to do with myself, my life if it grows on me

i can't help but think how much easier it would be were i a man.

people take men seriously.

perhaps this is just a teenage girl thing.

i'm a 16 year old girl and i despise it.

and i despise that sentence even more.

can't escape some things.

for me these things are quite silly.

outlets have changed i've been growing don't know what to do now

my words could never do them justice.

i will never be able to write with such honesty as i see some people do.

will never be able to experience such honesty.

shouldn't say never.

always have complete faith in myself and what i'm capable of.

i have a lot of faith.

it's odd, i find alot of people find this strange.

but yes, i shan't go into it

but i have this overwhelming faith

in myself mostly, my mind and my soul (she's still on hiatus but i know she's around)

i noticed this the other day while talking to a girl named after a stone.

she listened with such intensity, such

honesty

that it overwhelmed me and she was so beautiful.

i thought of her later and realised what an amazing spirit this girl has.

and that having such a spirit is sure to bring alot of shit with it

and to trust in not so much herself as she and the world around her percieves her to be, but in this spirit.

such a load of crap really but it made sense to me.

the only thing with this amazing spirit business for me personally, is that i have always been in awe of tragic girls, those that throw away this potentially wonderful existence, on drugs or suicide or whatever.

alwys.

when i started to see myself as this beautiful women, when i saw these things in me

it was horrible, as i'm sure many people know

but i still had that part that was awestruck, the part that romanticised all this and made it beuatiful.

it was an odd place at times, but i always knew that i could never truly do it

could never fuck away my life while living, would pull the trigger in an instant but don't want it any other way (simply because, i'd prefer a gun. many ways i think of it, but when i do it i will use a gun. many reasons for it but i shan't explain now.)

so one option. and it's almost impossible to achieve.

so what to do?

i don't think i can keep going, i know that i'm happy lately, and it's still here i very rarely wish death upon myself while feeling sad.

but the thing is thhat every single day i'm getting a step closer to some kind of life, some bizrre existence when i won't know myself or anything, when i'll be confused all teh time and have people everywhere

i can't do that.

everyday brings me closer and they are going so fast

take me to 1985.

wasn't even thought of.

just need the existence to stop.

don't want to go to heaven or hell or anywhere i just want it to stop.

dead silence.

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