Always having to keep a toe tapping or a muscle tensing just to make sure it doesn�t

What?

Explode

Implode.

-

I never know whats going to happen but I know it wouldn�t be good � what would happen if I just let go?

-

living in a world where nothings ever good enough and I�m not growing

I need to feel those little changes going on need to feel that I�m not static

-

heard this voice and it makes me feel at home

like nothing else matters and I don�t have to explain a thing

it�s a feeling I�m not familiar with but I have to say I think I enjoy it.

-

when my cat comes and sits on my stomach the weight of it makes me feel calm at last

knowing that I�m not existing alone not floating that I�m there is a good thing and I wish I could have it more often

things aren�t working out and I don�t know where I can/should turn to

this is kind of hard.

-

I�m writing this in word because a ban has been placed on my internet useage and I don�t like it because I want to hear from you

I know you would�ve replied and I�m dying to know what you said once we got off the phone

-

if we could speak without words then all would be well and things wouldn�t matter quite so much

but it can�t happen (not yet) but one day perhaps

we�ll meet and it will be bliss

-

I saw the most beautiful boy and we didn�t even speak

But he gave me a chair

Beautiful boy.

-

I�ve been experiencing writers block of sorts and it�s driving me insane

So many thoughts so many fucking thoughts and I don�t know what to do with them all

Still would be so much easier to end it all tonight and I think I�m going to be faced with that no matter how happy I am

I just don�t fit

Anywhere

-

and I need to find a place I want my time to be done I want to feel that now.

-

counting my blessings of which I have many and it just doesn�t make a difference

things aren�t how I want them to be and perhaps they�re not supposed to but can I just have one thing?

-

I need to find a job

I need to find some fucking motivation.

Need to get out of my shit

So not going to happen because I�ve tried and tried and tried and I just seem to go deeper

Was thinking that perhaps old hands mean young souls

And vice versa

Which is cool because I have young hands

I think as the soul gets older and moves closer to rebirth the body gets a tad younger

Working in reverse

If you know what I mean.

My sister has old hands and thinks that shes wise

In certain ways perhaps she is but sometimes I�m amazed at how young she really is

Even though she�s 9 years older than me

It�s just a number

-

I want arms bodily contact just something

Something

What is it?

-

sick of getting picked on for everything I do do a favour and it�s still not quite good enough

not complaining just laying down the facts right?

But when nothing will make her happy why should I even bother

Even when this happens I won�t be working it good enough for her and that shits me, it fucking shits me

4 pages this feels quite good really

what to say now when I just want it to come and I wonder what I�m doing (again and again and again)

I saw more stars then usual last night and I was thankful very thankful because I thought it might mean I�m being smiled upon

Her sky might be bluer but myne has more colours

Why limit it to blue?

One person in particular whos company I�m missing before I�ve experienced it and you just won�t get out of my head

I sigh

A lot.

And it�s pretty and usually feels quite nice.

-

got told my look is �gothic� the other day

find it funny the names people try to put on things

I get called a lot of different names and I don�t believe I�ve found one that sticks

Even the name my parents chose for me feels a little out of place but I can think of nothing better to replace it

-

lately I�ve been thinking more and more about the smell of burning flesh and wanting to get brands all over my body

right now when I wouldn�t feel a thing

I would start with my ankles and then work my way up I think

Do some of my legs and then start on my arms, upper half, lines and stripes and dotted designs

It would look more than beautiful and perhaps I would feel content?

I�d settle for half way?

Say that so many times I�ve never felt it dear god whats she doing

It doesn�t really matter

You know it doesn�t matter.

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