disconnected

get it together

[i am together]

i just can't think straight

/full of words/full of words

and symbols

/that don't fit.

-

there is a funeral tomorrow

my fathers sister

i have $55 in my back pocket

i also have a job

-

i

dont know what to write

i have been filling my days with

great music

strip shows in front of the mirror

(like i used to. good clothes and rock music.)

i've been feeling love

and having alot of sex

(all of it in my head)

-

i've been getting stoned.

which has been nice.

pipes for breakfast

instead of a coffee.

it's been very nice

-

there's been this thin layer of eerily loud silence wrapping itself around my ears

kinda freaks me out sometimes

if i focus on it for too long

-

i've been writing

on real pages

with a real pen

(or pencil)

which has been more nice than pipes for breakfast

and i've been writing about nice things

sometimes

sometimes i write about

sex

and

(one day i'm going to kill a single parent family)

a dad, 2 boys and a little girl

[the little girl i would keep for awhile]

-

one night last week i decided i wished very much to taste blood again

(it was an accident)

blood everywhere, much more than i expected

and it wasn't what i was hoping for because it came too fast

i wanted to

breathe

with it for awhile

-

but i didn't

-

and it's on the fleshy part of my lower arm, just near the inside of my elbow

and i've wanted a big scar there for a long time

i had a picture of exactly what it would look like

and because things moved too fast and i wasn't prepared for it

it's in the wrong place

the wrong

place

-

i'm not sure yet what to do with it

-

i've been thinking about festivals

i want to be at a festival of some kind, camping, and walking through mud, and seeing beautiful people everywhere and music coming from every direction and i'll be floating

as most people at festivals are

and it would be bliss

i want that

now

and i want

lots of drugs

i want to float on a cloud of

bliss

-

one day soon

-

i know that i'm just scared

and the beauty of it is

i'm so horribly scared

that i don't feel a thing.

[what was with all the brackets?]

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