who else would pick that hour?

and it was lovely and bought smiles and i'd been sleeping yes, but as i do

when it's you involved

i somehow woke myself up with the anticipation of your voice?

or even your hello call

but the phone kept ringing so i picked it up

hi..

..hi

and there was a girl in the house, a masturbating one i've heard of before

ran into her down the street

her friend is awesome

whoops.

-

and don't be disappointed..don't be disappointed

like my whole stomach was turning in and around itself

'oh god oh god oh god'

if only you knew...tori dvd

thats ok

not that disappointed.

and b gets it

and i get dreams about him shitting in the shower

dreams about shoes

sporty looking trendy shoes

and hair..hair hair hair

-

and i think it's crazy the amount of sadness i wake up with everyday now

i think it's crazy the things i used to think were so intense have doubled - Tripled! and

and nothing.

they just have.

waking up with tears everyday

the fear..the little feelings in my stomach that used to only be reserved for certain moments NEVER SEEM TO GO AWAY ANYMORE

even at work

i find myself dancing more violently, walking around in circles, running everywhere i can trying to get my body into the same momentum as my insides

i don't know if i used that word correctly.

-

and you know the email thing...i'm bad with his email, i know the password and sometimes..well

on sunday night? he deleted all my emails.

you should've seen them

all sitting there in his trash can which gets emptied every 1 days

so many

30 or more.

deleted every one of them except for two.

subjects mark and beautiful mark, respectively

like i could pretend he's egotistical

maybe he is.

those emails

one being thank you so much let me explain why i am so weird

just after i'd broken his heart. for the first time. january 2nd.

and then all i miss you like i can't Be without you, remember this and remember that...

february sometime.

just before sydney.

-

and i sent one asking for assistance with ebay and he's read it

but i've not heard back perhaps

he's just going to let it slide.

let me slide.

i know how ridiculous and stupid this is

and how when things were so great, when we were floating

everything was also full of harsh words (sometimes spoken, sometimes not) and dissatisfaction.

and so many other things.

it began in africa.

africa.

shit.

yes, no one knows.

groping.

good god.

-

but so i worry about her

this girl, this new girl

this one who has a name that sounds like somebody elses

god fuck

i Worry to the point where sometimes i can't stop thinking about it

i've never done this before.

this is my first time at this kind of thing.

and because everything i have is empty and i've driven one thing away i have to reach for Something.

-

yes, driven one thing away

and where abouts did that come from?

the fact that i think my head would explode

over the course of that weekend, like i just couldn't handle it.

like he'd hate me, like i'm too young too fat too ugly too weird too quiet too loud too never saying the right thing too he knows so much about me and i about him

too Messy.

-

the chemical brothers.

oh shit, and mr richard ashcroft.

ahh this song is fantastic and i haven't heard it in so long.

that

right there

that first...mmmamaaaahhhhhh...can you hear me now?...yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhh

god what a sex voice.

is it sweet and pure and true?

devil came round this morning

i was looking like i'd never seen a face before

and i love reading her shit.

fucking love it.

like i love clutching at anything.

empty and alone, and singing in my sleep and humming tunes from sometime ago

seeing waves breaking forms on my horizons

i'm trying.

are you hearing me, like i'm hearing you?

(i can't explain where i've been)

enough of that.

it always pisses me off when other people do it

because i let my persona slip and it sours the whole fucking thing.

i've gotta go get me some flares that make my ass look hot and my legs look long

i've gotta dress up for the mirror like that whores going to fall for me.

and something got me dancing properly again the other day and i realised

you'd fall in love with that.

(if only i'd let you see it)

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