it was beautiful. slightly haunting. did you heaar it? god i hope so, i sent a warning but perhaps it was too soon.

i was drinking bourbon before and got really really happy for awhile whilst talking to benny.

it was a surprise to see him here.

but well

-

i don't know, i'm drinking coffee now because i got bored and

i don't know why, even if i'm really really tired at 10:00, i still won't sleep..or 11..usually after 12, most times just before one

anyway..

i don't know why, i just don't go to sleep, if i'm tired.

what am i scared of missing?

but then i think well there's this beautiful freedom that comes with being seventeen and having nothing expected of me except for being at work at 1 tomorrow afternoon.

really...i can do whatever i want.

i'm still not sure why i can't let go.

like fuck. really. let go.

-

i bought an eskimo joe album today, i spend so much money on music.

better than drugs though i guess.

it's perfect, a song is a city

i had to, because that from the sea song just grabs something in me that makes me sigh and feel slightly sullen everytime i hear it.

(it hurts my eyes)

-

can you believe i saw him.

-

there's so many worlds of thought you know, like he's had lots of girlfiends? he was never very open about it but none seemed as important as that one in particular and and and well

deleted, erased, just nothing at all. am i one of those? did you tell all of them the same stuff, was it just the same but better with them? they were all virgins. i was jaded by my experience.

or not maybe. maybe it was different.

maybe you meant everything you said.

-

maybe one day we'll sit down and i'll give you that damn book and you'll tell me all about it.

tell me about that picture.

i want some things from you.

i'd show up with a sign around my neck saying i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

-

i melt when i think of the day i surprised you at work and you were sitting outside on your break, listening to tidal on your discman, flicking through the booklet and looked up with sad tired eyes when the door opened.

like it took you a second to comprehend and then it was lovely. those eyes. sad and tired. red and sore. i wish i didn't remember so much.

and breakfasts.

-

wrapped around.

what is it that makes me think i'd do anything.

you can smell it so you leave me alone right.

you can smell it.

marie laurencin is amazing. do a search.

genders.org

-

can i apologise to the internet for using some of it's space for my stupid

crap.

-

my stomach feels funny.

it's you i'm dreaming of and i know it.

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