it's saturday night

i

was sitting outside, light from a window and So many stars, its..i don't know, humbling..or

or nothing i guess, or just a big black space with all these little..shiny flashy pretty things

thousands?

and the outline of mountains, and the gleam of a white horse?

slightly surreal

deck chair...blanket..deck chair?

road..passing cars, a highway...

the sound of planes

veyr strange

but anyway

-

while i was doing that i had this though 'wow you know..it's not that late, somewhere out there people are awake doing stuff'

and then

hello. it's (no idea..maybe around..10) on a saturday night.

millions of people are out altering their mindframes and body chemistry and whatnot, the night is Young..hardly even begun (am i rhyming)

celebrating..being alice

thats actually a typo, it was meant to be 'alive'. but...yeah, celebrating being alice. same thing.

or a wedding a baby i won't even start on This tangent, too broad..everythings too broad you go Nowhere though

so saturday night diary entries

and my obscene collection of them

is really

i guess

kind of sad.

-

and then i thought

it's not that i'm not Normal

it's just that, i'm different to alot of people

but, so are..alot of other people

and to a greater degree

so i should just relax

-

they say compassion is the key and i know it is but fuck

fuck i can't help it

hello there's a girl in your bed and it's not me

i imagine if it was me the situation would be quite different

i know, i know, i. know.

i think.

-

i Don't know.

i don't know...

yeah no, i really don't know.

-

the photos excite me, i don't know if i want to give the camera back

my mum and i went to the markets today and i think she spent

about three hundred dollars

oh wait. three hundred and sixty dollars

probably a bit more...on me. i am so ridiculously spoilt, it's bad.

but it's so good.

hmm

-

i got some great t-shirts.

one of them is funnier than the others maybe because

it's quite

ironic

i'm a liar.

i paid for that one myself.

-

there's more, lovely day

an early afternoon bek phonecall (it was so good to hear that little possums voice. amazing, so good.)

oh a freak out in the midst of a big crowd in this cramped indoor market area

oh whoa that was bad, i was waiting in line for coffee and there were Peoples Bodies just Everywhere

i was already kind of..anti market crowd because of the stupid way people have to meander aimlessly and directionlessly, no clue where they're going most of the time..and so slowly. everyone seems to start doing this..slow shuffle walk

ah i hate it. really. and constantly running into people, oh! hmm

but in this little space it was magnified (like whoa) [sorry, ha]

it reminded me of women without skin and rats tails for hair and i could feel people tugging at my strange chaotic kind of..blue

locks

they weren't, i think, but i felt it

too many people..i don't know, stop talking about this..it was bad, hard to breathe, close to screaming and kicking hitting throwing myself at people clearing space so i could lie down on the floor and cover my head with my bag and just BREATHE for a second and not be able to see or feel anything near around me just kind of

be able to fall asleep.

but it was ok, i stuck it out.

HAVE YOU NOTICED i'm good at sticking out stupid shit PROBABLY because there's this fear of consequences and repercussions that holds me back.

when i get rid of that

i think my days (hours) will be numbered.

hmm

-

another girl.........

best friend

he loves her

"never been more in love with anyone in my whole life"

ah-ah-ah-ok

(@^$&^$@#!%*^!#~*)(++)*+&**$#&(!@)(!

hmm? -?

yes, really, everytime....fuck i don't know

liken it to somebody piercing both your nipples simultaneously with ahhh...a power drill.

that was the first one.

then

they put a large ring in each, with ahh..little spikes, like thorns on a rose stem, just..bigger, metal, all over them

chains and then

a whole series of motions and no hope for any kind of mercy in the near future. oh no no no little girl, this is going to go on..for awhile..if you stick around (can't help it..ball and chain, it was never locked but it doesn't matter)

pulling, twisting, elevating..somehow my nipples are still in tact

i guess my nipples represent my "love"

hmm

oh gee thats deep jess.

hahahahhaa

-

hmmm saturday night diary entries..i really am just a weird little loser girl aren't i.

but hey, fuck you..i have cool shirts. and amazing pants. 3 pairs of the same design, different materials..funny girl

funny

ha ha.

how are you?

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