the flight is boked, i fly out from maroochydore at 9:40am on the twentieth of this month. thats nine days away.

an hour and thirty-five minutes of purgatory and then it all begins and there's no turning back.

i'm scared and excited..ambivalent...anxious

doubting myself but so absolutely certain this is a right decision. there wasn't even a choice to be made.

-

i was having this thought yesterday while hanging out the washing, my sisters worked very hard to get where she is right now

to get where she is work wise i guess, but personally..spiritually, in her own mind and her living arrangements, her environment.

and she has a lovely, beautiful space around her but it's not the kind of thing i really (in my heart of hearts) want or am looking for.

i would be much more content to be living on the ground floor of some shity building with cushions and an old couch, a bookcase and coffee table as my only furniture (well, maybe a bit more furniture than that), my music..freedom, mess, a complete lack of structure

no pressure.

a place that has all it's lights on until 3 in the morning.

and some people who......who weren't closer to thirty than my age.

(stars racing to burn out)

i want to get drunk alot, and so high that i can't walk.

i want the excess, the decadence, the indulgence. i want it.

-

i'd work no matter where i was but...but but but

-

everythings fine anyway, the living arrangement will be nice. maybe i'll be lucky and make some lovely friends after a little while, and we'll fall in love and have a nice little home. with cosmo. oh she'll love it.

and flowers in the window.

-

benny and i have a "date" this afternoon to discuss this whole..funny little triangle thats formed

he says it goes deeper than i realise. there's more to it than i know.

i'm just going to die (oh, melodrama) if he's had sex with her.

i shouldn't. we haven't even met, he has every right to go out and get some.

hmm this isn't just 'getting some' though..i'm usually quite hapy and a little turned on when he just 'gets some', but this is

he said one day 'i have never been more in love with anyone in my whole life'

and THATS why i think it makes us obsolete. he assures me it isn't so, but we'll find out this afternoon i guess..and over the coming weeks.

-

i'm scared.

i'm just a timid scared little girl and i don't know if i've got the balls to make any of this work for me.

(broken inside.)

we're doing fine now

(it's just that the whole complete unknown thing is a little daunting. and the alone thing. little daunting..)

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