i bought these three books tied in string last weekend, from a craft shop near my mums house.

they're nice girls do-esque kind of books, titles like 'women men love/women men leave,' 'secrets about men every woman should know' and 'ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives.'

i started reading that last one last night (i went to bed early and all..i ate an orange lollipop and two slices of bread)

and as much as i bought these books with the intention of finding them some what amusing..now that i've woken up and thought about it, i think there's i might benefit from this book.

the first chapter was on 'stupid attachment'

about how so many women base their self worth, their life purpose even around men (or women, i imagine)

the meaning in their life doesn't come from what they achieve personally, their own hopes and goals..it's from being the nice little comforting house wife who urges her husband along to become successful, or reach His goals while producing babies for him

Another thing which becomes defining for women..i've had this thought for awhile, what with all the girls who are YOUNGER THAN ME who have children around here (and everywhere), that they do it, have these babies because they really don't know what else to do with their lives.

by having a baby, you've got someone who's going to Need you, really need you in a life or death, fighting for survival kind of way, for years..who will love you (until they get a bit older no doubt) unconditionally

but anyway, this attachment thing.."stupid attachment"

"..writes that self-esteem is now a mere shadow of it's former self. "once," she claims, "it referred to a fundamental sense of self-worth,; today tat meaning has narrowed into merely feeling good about oneself. Self esteem used to rest on the daily acts of effort, care and accomplishment that are the bedrock of character; now it rests on air, on being instead of doing.."

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i've got to get myself some proper goals and let myself and my doings be the centre of my world, rather than having nothing more than

memories and fantasies of pretty boys and girls.

they're fantastic to have, but not good grounding for a sense of calm, or security, as a solid foundation foor the deep rooted happiness/fulfillment (jesus, look at these words)..as has become so very obvious, these things are just incredibly susceptible to Change, transient..temporary as lit flames, the lot of them

but things you work for yourself? things You actually go out and Do, for yourself..even if you fail, you know that you tried, you have that experience behind you

and you can get up and try again

i'm not sure if i'm making sense, as you know..i'm not usually writing like this am i? am i?

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enough of that anyway, i think the rest of the books going to be quite interest..i think the chapters 'stupid devotion,' 'stupid passion,' 'stupid expectations' and 'stupid helplessness' will be of most interest.

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ambers coming to my house today.

how strange. hmm

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and the stereo in my room ACTUALLY PLAYED the smashing pumpkins this morning, i was ecstatic, really..i'd been trying to get it to play for days, and as it happened it wasn't even what i was trying to listen..but it worked anyway, beautiful

and i'm going to go see elixir at 'the brass monkey' sometime next month i think. and diesel, on the thirtieth, which is..well yeah, my sisters idea.

and i'm listening to tidal. i only had when the pawn on tape, and..the tape snapped. yes snapped. a little while ago. so i have to buy it, soon.

mark and bek are going to see muse tonight. hmmm i bet he's so happy today. thats a nice thought.

she says she'll call me and let me hear some but

i've noticed my twines pulled tight lately, is yours? so maybe she won't

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mmhmm..."this is not a self help book"

i thought i'd be laughing..

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i think i'm happy.

i

i really do.

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