but yeah....

hmm i love my mum, love her muchly, but fucking jesus..sometimes i wonder about her. just with all this cass stuff, mum sits there and plays all sweet and innocent, like she doesn't know anything about it..and the thing is i don't know if it's all just some kind of act, or if she actually BELIEVES that she doesn't know about it. i've seen before the way she blocks shit out, is she doing that with this? i think i got to her a bit this afternoon..i'd just had enough of it so i kinda yelled at her some of the stuff cass has told me. and i hate that she doesn't just come straight out and ask me what she wants to know, she tries to word it in some other way so that i'll talk about it. and like fuck, thats what cass is so pissed off about..all the bullshitting and complete lack of honesty and communication. i tihnk thats why i was so upset yesterday, after we left. seeing cass wsa actually really good, i think thats the first time i've ever said that and meant it..but it was good. and then on the way home, i thought to myself 'here i was, with all this honesty, it was just so easy for us to talk about siht, even shit that the other one didn't want to hear, we'd say it because it's true." and i just had to leave it. what triggered the crying (i actually cried..i can never cry..so there's an upside to all of this..) was thinking 'dad and janet are going to stay at mums place for coffee, even though they don't want to.' they can't just say "we really want to go home, so no we won't stay." it's the smallest tihng but it just reminded me that now i have to come back to making everything sugary sweet and nice for everyone..except for the fact that it's all bullshit. no wonder my therapost tells me i'm lost in a fantasy world..i'm living in some kind of fantasy world. my whole fucking family is living in this fantasy world. cass saw it. cass got out. shit.

and it's weird, i try to block it out, because on the surface, i have nothing to complain aboutt with my family. they're not bad people. i mean i've never felt that i wasn't loved or anything like that. so why should i be worried about it? but there's just so much shit that they all keep hidden....just so much crap underneath the surface. like fuck...lets all just be honest for awhile, go thjrough a couple of hard, intense conversations, and probably all be closer than before.

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