i've been noticing

more and more lately

that she looks

dead.

--

she lacks life.

--

reminds me of girl interrupted.

let me quote

(to the best of my memories ability)

"lisa's eyes, once so magnetic.."

i don't even remember the rest.

lifeless?

perhaps.

--

anyway the point is

she looks dead.

--

she lacks beauty.

--

she lacks conviction.

reminds me of blonde people.

reminds me of danni.

the way they float around, look so lost, they lack conviction.

i pride myself on my ability to stare at nothing with complete conviction.

i love my eyes.

i always have.

dark.

smouldering.

i imagine meeting myself on the street one day and flashing myself one of those looks that the girl in the mirror so often gives me.

and we don't say a word.

because the sound of your own voice sounds so foreign at times.

--

perhaps i lack conviction.

my hair is light brown after all.

i dye it.

perhaps i've created this, because i need conviction.

i got lost in it.

but we all know how fun it is to pretend.

remember when you were young, you'd play games with the boys next door and you'd give yourself a new name (i was christine for awhile..after seeing Phantom Of The Opera..i fell in love with christine) and you would give yourself a new apearance (i was always lisa off saturday disney.) and you really felt as though you were that person. and you felt beautiful.

so we all know how much fun it is to pretend.

why not keep on pretending?

--

my mum keeps telling me not to worry.

i never give her details, but she always tells me not to worry.

"it's your great grandmothers intuition. we always knew you had it. you just need to channel it."

thats why i got the amethyst.

it fucked with my head.

so i gave it to alex to look after.

--

i'm going to cut tonight.

i know it.

perhaps i should try to stop it.

go against the way i feel things are supposed to be.

but who would i be cheating?

fate, or myself?

--

jesus christ, you think fate controls whether or not you cut tonight? you really are fucking deluded aren't you baby girl.

--

"too intelligent to see it's me in the way."

--

lauryn hill. the live albums really good.

--

oh, by the way, i saw ani last night.

she was stunning.

more than divine.

bob dylan played to.

i hate to say, he was more than slightly disappointing.

i shall leave it at that.

--

supposed to see sarah tomorrow.

i've been trying to think up excuses all day.

i think i'll say i have a 'school thing'.

reschedule.

tuesday.

maybe even friday, but probably not.

friday's score day.

it's been too long.

4 days or some such nonsense.

hence all the wine drinking.

--

"so convinced that i was blessed."

--

oh jerusalem, go fuck yourself.

--

so, somethings keeping me from perfection.

but whos idea of perfection?

--

my head hurts.

--

anyone want to swap lives for a day?

one must wonder what is so daunting about happiness

why are we so scared of it.

when i'm quite possibly one of the lucky ones. happiness is quite possibly within my reach. and i'm pushing it further and further away.

because i am too fucking scared of it.

it's like the blonde thing.

happy people lack conviction.

what do they think about? where do they draw inspiration from?

what gives them soul.

--

they probably think the same way about us.

--

they would believe that we are weak.

self indulgent.

of course we're self indulgent.

i was talking to a girl about kurt cobains journals the other night and she said she was shocked to discover how "self indulgent" he was. anyone who kills themselves would have to be self indulgent. listen to his lyrics, of course he was self indulgent.

self indulgence breeds beauty.

self indulgence breeds death.

--

it doesn't even flow anymore.

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