or how many of them at least have their suspicions.

--

sometimes i would love to be able to just scream it at them.

or even just at him.

but even then, she wouldn't be taken seriously.

and the only way to prove oneself is to go ahead and do it.

but that would be the worst case scenario.

doing it simply to prove myself to other people.

i could never do that.

i can't even comprehend the disgust that would trigger.

even the thought of it is enough to.

enough.

--

i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

used to think it was the 'art' thing.

that i could justify all this, the scars and the pain and all of it by claiming that i was a living work of art.

she was a living work of art.

she's a fucking masterpiece.

but now...

now i think i'm just lost.

who am i kidding.

im not isobelle.

lelaina never suited me in the first place.

and jess...this name i've been carrying around for all these years..and always felt that it didn't belong to me.

i've always had the feeling that i was living someone elses existence.

--

i'm not cool enough to be this girl.

--

always an imposter.

i think what makes it harder is the girls.

all those girls.

i have a fan club.

it started off as just 4 girls whose names i still don't know.

that was at the beginning of last year.

these days i can no longer count how many of these girls there are.

and i still know hardly any of their names.

they smile, say hello, some of them even call me danni.

fucking danni.

if you're going to do all this girls, then at least get my fucking name right.

and they give me pathetic little hugs, hold my hand and say "i love you."

i hate that those three words get thrown around so much.

can they comprehend what love is?

if they can, surely they would realise that what they feel for me is not love.

how can you love someone if your conversations with them never go further than hello.

--

and they make me sick.

--

but i refuse to be mean to them because one day i ws just like them.

the girl who looked up to the 'cool girl, the different girl.'

but i've never been cool.

thats just not m.

and so now all these people have me on a pedastool and quite frankly..

i'm afraid of heights.

--

so let me down girls.

let me shrink back into the background again.

--

leave me here with myself.

no matter what i call her, she's still the most beautiful thing i've ever known.

i look at her now...skin getting paler by the day.

dark hair that you can never tell what colour it really is.

the eyes.

ahh the eyes.

-

and so by outward appearances, she's amazing. but this girl in the mirror, i'm still yet to meet her so her personality is yet to be defined.

i only have what i imagine she would be.

doesn't occur to me that her personality is myne.

and my personality sucks.

even i find myself irritating.

over the top.

intense.

--

i'm not intriguing.

i'm not elegant.

i'm not soft and beautiful.

i'm not aloof.

i'm not calm.

i'm not mysterious.

i'm nothing if not

jess.

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