some things, even i would never do.

after all my explaining, you still don't have a clue do you.

and fuck

that hurts.

--

i thought we were going to help eachother.

i thought that we would be the thing that made sure we were still here in the morning.

i thought it wasn't going to be one sided.

i thought, hooray, for once someone who i can share something with on equal terms.

but once again, the need for power fucked it up.

but this time i don't know if it's my fault or yours.

perhaps we are both at fault.

--

i sometimes think that if we were joined as one person, we would be the most balanced person to ever live.

or just schizophrenic.

your strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa.

and perhaps this is why we clash.

because we see in the other person whats wrong with ourselves.

so we get angry at them but in all honesty, thats just another place to vent frustration that is really directed at ourselves.

--

and it sucks.

--

and i want for us to still be happy even with all this other shit.

but i look at us lately and it seems to be getting harder and harder to remember those times.

woodford.

playing chess.

sitting at the pines for hours on sunday afternoons, just talking and being dickheads.

making plans for the rest of our lives.

the "jess and alex's ideas for life" book.

--

where did it go?

perhaps we just...drifted.

or something like that.

it's probaboy just the natural progression of things and usually it doesn't bother me all that much but...

it does right now.

i remember once, when we were having our first big "hostility" period you said that friendships that are formed too quickly often have nowhere to go.

i continued to protest that they could go many places, and are these not the most important friendships - the ones that are formed almost immediately.

you were probably right.

you usually are.

--

i occasionally get the feeling that e're involved in some weird little high school love tringle to.

well, we're involved in a couple of them actually but it occured to me that perhaps there's one that we're not really aware of.

i won't bother to mention the name of this person i speak of.

i know who he is.

but...the way he is with you lately..and the way he is with me.

we've gone from three best friends to...

i don't even know anymore.

--

and danni's another one.

it seems as though now that she has read the celestine prophecy she is above all other mortal women.

there's always been power play there though.

i did so many things i shouldn't have in that relationship.

--

yes but it's in the past now, right.

i shouldn't dwell on these things.

well fuck that.

usually i dont...tonights my night i guess.

--

so in short.

i feel like shit.

i don't know myself when i look in the mirror anymore, and the girl i see living my life is more alien than ever.

my 'art' has got the better of me and i think i've burned myself out or something because lately..it's just gone.

any kind of relationship i've ever had with anyone (including family) has been fucked over by someones need for power.

i believe this has something to do with my sister.

i'm torn between making huge plans for the rest of my life and wishing like hell that i would die tonight.

with the change of hours comes a change of person.

it's all gone to shit.

and i am so lost.

and i don't want anyone to fucking rescue me, i don't want some magical person to come and make everything ok for that brief moment when things are beauutiful and then it would all just come back because nothing got solved.

no, i'm the one who needs to do the rescuing here.

i'm the only one who can do it properly.

--

and i'd love to be able to kiss her after she'd done it.

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