the 'when the pawn..' album is quickly becoming a favourite.

--

i've been playing alot of air piano of late.

to cornflake girl.

i have the sheet music, have had for a couple of months.

i keep telling myself the only reason i can't play it yet is because i haven't had time to sit down with it.

i've had plenty of time.

once again i think some background information is needed here.

i started playing piano 8 years ago.

2 years ago, when i moved to where i am now i stopped havig lessons.

not for any reason in particular, this is one of many things that are due simply to laziness.

anyway, so since i wasn't having lesosns any longer, i started slacking off a bit and gradually pretty much stopped playing all together.

the past year or so i've taken it back up again, not lessons, just playing a bit more.

the sad thing is

i used to be brilliant at it.

stunning.

and now,

i've been playing the same 5 songs for 2 years.

this is not due to lack of sheet music.

i have 2 boxes and a seatful of sheet music.

this is not due to lack of spare time.

all my time is spare.

it's due to laziness.

pure and simple.

i hate this.

--

i have let everything slip like this.

i was smart.

musically talented.

the 'life of the party' so to speak, even when there wasn't a party.

vibrant.

always dressed in some bizarre costume.

(even then it was all about characters.)

i was alive.

now i'm nothing but a bedroom dweller.

my mind is always far away.

and my body suffers for it.

i lost my soul quite awhile ago.

--

but still, i can claim all these things.

i may be fucked now, but i USED to play piano.

well woopdeefuckingdoo.

she's nothing now.

all that she was has disappeared and left nothing but a pretty face.

and even thats slowly melting away.

shit.

--

oh, little sister, i hoped you wouldn't feel that way.

--

i don't want this for me anymore.

i don't want this to be all that i have.

i don't want to be scared of admitting the truth to myself.

i don't want to have to worry about it, to miss it, to wonder when she'll come back.

i want the next 2 years to happen in an instant.

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