recieved countless blessings today.

counting them like stars in the sky.

most came in the form of butterflies.

while i was sitting there silently, people around me talking, i could feel little changes going on.

i feel love.

--

and this is not coming in the form of another person.

not coming from any form of religion, or a higher being.

coming urely from myself.

remembering the love i used to feel for her, and wondering why it was that i lost it.

remembering the purpose of this.

i reminded myself last night that i am a good person.

i'm nice even when i don't have to be, when it's to people i dislike.

i am nice to them because usually, they have done nothing wrong besides annoy me.

and that is as much my fault as it is theirs.

i'm remembering that people love me.

and this time, when i think of that i'm not filled with sadness knowing that the things i'm doing are letting them down.

i am moving.

--

also, as of tomorrow afternoon i am off school for a week.

this is a wonderful thing.

it's been getting a little too hard to handle lately, not just the fact of having to get up and get dressed, put on my daytime eyes (a good enough disguise until i get some sleep) and play happy for 6 hours (something that i'm not very good at, so i slip more often than not).

and not just the routine of it all.

not just the girls.

all of it.

i haven't been doing my work beause i've been too focused on other things, and as a result this is making me feel even more disappointed in myself.

also, there's two people who's beauty overwhelms me at times and i just want them to die or leave me alone so i don't have to be in their prescence anymore.

so pathetic that i'm whinging but i don't mind, i still feel beautiful.

--

i'm not sure if this counts as happiness, i wouldn't term it that.

but it feels like the way i imagine love must feel.

cocooned in this beauty.

--

however, it's moments like these when i wish i wasn't stuck at home.

when i wish i could share it with someone, someone i haven't found yet but someone who wil understand me completely.

and that should work both ways.

someone who will drive with me for eternity, chasing the night for as long as we can and trying to count the stars.

someone who i can sit in truck stops with, drinking bad coffee and talking theories.

and talking shit.

one day right.

just keep your focus on beautiful things and beautiful things will focus on you.

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