when i'm all alone

someone shoot that girl in the head.

-

looking like shit but i'm feeling great

(so she says)

-

the move tomorrow

this just beneath the surface nervousness has been around for days and i've this orrible feeling it's going to blow up in my face

that the gods are just playing tricks on me now

because i let it go i fucking let it go don't get it back now it was better before

silence.

-

i think i need to feel the sun on my body

it's become like this thing where i'm ok as long as i can feel sun

changing seasons another way in which i'm never content

-

give me

release.

-

witness

i need to know that this move is right.

i need someone to tell me it's the right thing

i need to believe it.

what can go wrong?

theres nothing i can think of i think this nervousness might just be normal holy fuck of course it is

usually

don't go to that i can feel it i think im going to be sick

another feeling thats been around for days.

when i look at whats really happening

i have a baby starting to grow inside of me and i'm finally getting out of this

besides the baby it's what i've been wishing for

and now it's fucking here and what am i supposed to do about it?

i've a feeling that everything in the last 2 years has been leading up to this

wow

that hurts

for some reason i don't know why

-

i can't get my head around this

not at all not one little bit

i want this day to never end i want to stay in the space of the last week forever

i'm too scared to do this

way too scared.

-

and i have a cold.

-

jess

baby

you know whats right for you

you know you're doing it

you can't stay here

we can't stay here

we can do this

we're gorgeous and great and all these beautiful women are with us and we can do it

-

pep talks

convince myself i still don't need other people

ha.

-

it's all bullshit

i send it out to the universe

it knows what i want and i don't even to order my thoughts.

-

thats something thats always been hard for me

i've been remembering things like sitting in the pool for hours when i was 8 years old and puzzling over what i was supposed to be thinking about

tht stared something that i'm still not over.

how do i get over that

-

amanda was crapping on about me having trust issues

it's not about trust, i trust people

i just don't trust myself and my words all that much

it could never come out right i could never explain this

i can't even express it

i don't remember a time when i really got something out

i read your diaries and you all seem so honest and raw

i can never find the right word

-

dribbling crap probably just putting off, cleaning up

my room is a mess i have to pack everything up by tomorrow morning

i'm moving tomorrow morning

good god.

-

days go by and still i'm sitting here

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