sit down and allow me to paint a picture for you.

i look around me and say things that are bright and clean, fresh and happy

faces that are washed, smiles that are almost genuine and lies instead of lives

i'm not sre which is worse

a small town where everyone is so obviously living shit

or a city where slit wrists are masquerading behind designer labels and the latest trends

i'm still looked down upon

still an outcast

no one gets whats going on.

-

i look inside me and see a girl who is way too familiar with her new surroundings

who is way too comfotrable conversing about boys in bands with her big sister

who is smoking too much considering she's in for an abortion at 10 to 9 on monday morning

-

i like in the mirror and see a girl who is much too happy

much too content much too comfortable and i question if all this is real

i made a friend when i'd been living here for 2 days

pretended i knew nothing of this place and asked a stupid question which resulted in a 2 hour conversation

and me paying for 2 coffees

(i like to do that when i can)

-

i'm drinking too strong coffee out of glass mugs with hearts and chrome handles

everythings fucking chrome

and black

even this computer

good god it's all so fucking trendy

-

my one friend sits here and tells me summer will be a blast

that she'll turn me into someone who enjoys the sun

scary thing is i'm already starting to

-

i never got the winter i was hoping for

long cold rainy days open cuts under purple sleeves

-

i had a centrelink appointment yesterday and he told me when i start work perhaps i shoudl consider wearing long sleeves so as not to freak the customers out.

nice touch i thought

-

never know

it might draw people into the store to look at the freak

-

so the situations changed and most of the time i'm ok

all good

using phrases that are disgusting but oh so cool

and hip

and still alternative

-

all of 3 times i have felt myself, my real self

wishing to be slammed against rocks and hard road so i'm just not around anymore

wanting warm blood to be dripping from my hips and ankles (i have full length mirrors in my room, and i was scared i would lose the girl HA i can never escape her now)

so someone tell me whats going on

whats the deal with being ok

all good

why does it feel

ok

?

i don't get it

-

my sister who i was so scared of intimadated by and in awe of

and who i fucking hated

is by far the most amazing inspirational woman i have ever met

and she is so fucking nice

we've been getting on so well which came as a surprise to both of us

the only thing i can truly complain about is the fact that my cats ran away

and she'd only bee here for 2 days (i lost her on the way down at my mums place and mum bought her back the other day)

but i keep thinking i'm going to fuck this up some how

that i'll do something to make my beautioful sister slip back into how she used to be

oh, how she'd scream

only at me to everyone else she was such a star

behind closed doors she could reduce me to a quivering steaming pile of shit

like no one else

it left me hungering for it for awhile and alex could never satisfy that need

as much as i tried

he never did

-

i did though

no one knows me better so no one can abuse m,e quite as well

self destruction and loathing is still as beautiful as ever and i have to say thats kinda fucked up

could be wrong but it's just an idea

-

i look around me and i see this place and i'm not quite sure i should be here

(locks off, you didn't miss much)

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