walking through back doors before i was invited in and wondering why it was seen as so rude

so unacceptable.

it always took me awhile to grasp what was accepted and what was not

just like bong smokers etiquette

could never understand why one had to be so polite when purchasing drugs

just doesn't make sense

-

i notice the amount of things i do (or rather, don't do) for fear of being laughed at

when really, i know that these people would not laugh at me

unreasonable fears but they make sense to me

fuck no they don't

moths

i'm terrified of moths

-

awaiting the postal service but iknow that they're worth it

-

my brother my mother and i are in the same house once again and it feels ok i think but i can't help the return of the feeling that we're all so sepreate

all living hidden lives

i hate that

-

there was a time when after eating dinner and discussing religion my family would split up

i would resign to my room to slit my wrists and fill pages with blood, my brother would shoot up and my father would cry himself to sleep

and then we'd wake up in the morning and pretend once again that we were all ok

are families supposed to be like that?

-

even when i was young i don't think i was ever innocent

always planning scheming figuring out how to best play the situation

what character would benefit most

thats not right.

-

names put to faces that don't really match and fake accents instead of dress ups

what would you do to make a difference the thing is i wouldn't change a thing

things aren't supposed to be different or else they wouldn't be the way they are

why don't people see that?

it's all so simple really and i think thats perhaps what i'm here for

makes sense

loud sneezes and no one to say 'god bless you'

i dribbled on my hand

-

i keep thinking maybe i'm done already and i'll just remain static until i build up the courage to play my final scene

perhaps thats why she wants to bring down the piano

i don't know what more can happen i don't know if i'm set to achieve

anything

-

i don't want to waste away like some of you seem to be content doing

thats not for me i just

can't.do.that

i need to keep growing or i just need to stop but i will not waste away

anymore

-

according to my downloading program i have 14 miutes to kill and i'm thinking this may not be the best place

i thought i'd at last be able to think out here but as yet it hasn't really hit me (thats a lie yes it has)

whats happening?

i'm changing and i wanted it but i'm not sure i wanted it like this

was she the one the worth leaving?

was she?

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