my own and other peoples

and i don't know what to do with them

or where to put them

or how to say them

or what they mean

which is nothing new

but it's different this time

it's

harder

-

i'm so sad and so lonely and so

sad

and i know it's just drugs and i know it's just normal but it doesn't

stop

it

and it doesn't make it better

-

i need something and i might know what it is but what if i'm scared and what if i'm

gone

now and i don't want to come back

what if i want to end and i want to cry and i want to be sick for ever and i want to give myself something that i can't get out of and i want to end

what if

thats true

what if

it's not.

-

i fell in love with myself again the other night

(myself now not the girl in the mirror just myself)

my eyes

are the most amazing thing i have ever experienced

but what they see

is

so

unsatisfying

they deserve more

so much more.

-

i'm listening to ani difranco and she moves me as always and i find myself wishing she was here

for some strange reason

unknown to me

so much

is unknown to me

-

i think i'm in love

with

(he knows who he is)

and it's beautiful but i miss him way too much.

he feels the same way

(i think.)

at least he says he does

-

heres a toast

to love

my love

to hope

our hope

to sadness and death and to drugs

nice drugs.

-

heres a toast

to us.

to me

to her

(peace)

-

i called alex

i've one true friend (make that 5)

and we communicate only by phone

thats so sad

i haven't seen him for much too long and when i have nothing constant that i love

i lose it

i've lost it

now

i don't know

what to do

or where to go

or how

i'm supposed to keep on living for the next 9 years

until the world ends

what to do

someone tell me please

someone fill me with hope thats not false and love thats so real i can

taste it

feel it

and more importantly

so real i can touch it

-

tell me the answers to my questions and the questions to my answers so that i can rest

properly

and sleep without dreaming and sleep

without waking up

ever

again.

-

i've got girls telling me i'm the most amazing thing they've ever seen and that i'm an automatic lover

which once again is nothing new but i don't get the same kick out of it as i used to

don't get the same kick out of anything much these days

i'm floating around in a world thats not quite myne and not quite reality and it's not quite there

and it's hard

and i don't understand it and i feel like i would do anything to go back to that week that i wanted to stay in forever

when things weren't better yet but they weren't as bad as they had been

somewhere in between

comfortable but not

comfortable enough

to still be uncomfortable in the knowledge that

it was all about to end

and begin again

-

i could do alot with my life

i feel i could do anything i set my mind to

i feel nothing is iossible

problem is the only thing i ever wanted to be is sad

and i've got that

had that

now i've nowhere left to go

honesty

i wouldn't mind a bit more than that

i know what i need and it's motivation

and it's to break some of my bad habits

and to form some good ones

and to make some friends

and to share what i give to myself with other people

but i'm selfish

i think

self indulgent thats for sure

whats it all for?

such an old question, such a silly question

but that doesn't mean a thing

someone tell me

whats it all for?

i don't know if i want to get out of this

alive

but i know that i won't so whats the point

going round in circles that look like squares

edges that are just a little too sharp to be curved and a little to curved to be sharp

everythings wrong

and i want this boy i'm in love with to come up here and rescue me and be sad with me and love me

please love me

and lie down with me and spend saturdays that feel like sundays doing nothing but nothing

-

i've started staring at the mirror again

i'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing and i'm now sure what it means what it stands for

could mean alot

could mean nothing at all

i need a new beginning

fair enough this move may have been one but it really wasn't

too much

shit behind the scenes

my life won't start with my sister

my life won't start in this place

and i've nowheer else to go

so how about

we just end it

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