that

i can't sleep.

i stayed in bed for an hour and a half

(it's so dark here that when the lights are off you can't tell if you have you eyes closed or not.)

just

thinking

and being excited.

(i'm at my mums house and the keys on her keyboard click rather loudly and since it's late and i have to wake up in a couple of hours it makes me paranoid)

i'm listening to the postal service.

-

so

i was thinking

about

self induced psychosis

when it was i decided to be a whore

and whether or not vegetarians use feather doonas.

-

i would drink coffee until 2 in the morning to make sure i didn't fall asleep

it was all fake really

-

i started looking at porn when i was about 8 years old

i had my first taste of pussy when i was 7

never saw sex as anything special never thought i'd feel enough love to have anything special

-

i never wanted to do things

when i was little

i was always a loner homebody girl

just like i still am

always content to sit at home and amuse myself

by myself

-

i don't know where i get some of my ideas from

my mind baffles me alot of the time

i'm usually quite comfortable with the way things work out

(i contradict myself alot)

i usually have a sense that things are going as they should, i'm in the right place

'god' is with me

always

-

i'm really not sure whats true and whats not anymore.

-

i had ecstacy for the first time on thursday night

and again on friday night.

i did it at home

by myself

and i wrote

and stared at myself in the mirror

i wrote 32 pages

and i never looked more beautiful

i feel as though it's not out of me yet i'm still being honest

it feels good

-

i feel it may be time to leave my sister

and go back to where i was

and give it another go

-

i feel i'm now on middle ground

could go either way

back to where i was

(back down)

or forward

to some unknown place

where i might not be happy

(i've realised this is an unrealistic thing to search for. i know no one who is happy, i don't know where i got the idea that i ever would be)

but

i won't be sad

as such

-

we'll see.

my sister wouldn't understand it.

i know that.

but she doesn't understand much when it comes to me

-

i'm going home tomorrow

i'm not sure how long for

but there are a couple of things that i love and miss about that place

one

is my drama class

my teacher

is wonderful

there is one boy in my class

(jon)

who is so beautiful

i've nothing to compare him to

i'm going to drop by a drama lesson tomorrow

-

another of the things is

chops with amanda

i'm going to chop up with amanda tomorrow

think i might just kiss her to.

i should've a long time ago

i did

but i should've done it better.

-

another

is kane

an absolute goddess of a man

-

these are the reasons i'm so excited that i can't sleep.

also

i get to see my dad

who is very beautiful

he's a scorpio

like me

he helps me alot

he has blue eyes

which reveal sometimes too much of him and it can be so painful to see

because he's sad

alot

and he's very sad since i left.

i get to play my piano.

i haven't even seen a piano for 2 months

thats the first time thats happened to me for

my whole life

shit.

tomorrow holds alot

and as of 2 hours and 5 minutes ago

tomorrow is today

so what am i waiting for now?

time

is a funny thing.

-

i'm scared about seeing my old bedroom

because

it holds so much

blood

mirrors

thoughts

words

too many thoughts and words

and it's empty now

it's nothing like how it was

and i don't know if i can handle seeing that

can i handle seeing that?

i just don't want to.

-

i've written alot

and i don't think i'm any closer to sleep yet

i want a cigarette but i don't have any

and plus it's too cold to go outside

i think i'll go read some more

-

thank you god for tomorrow

(and thank you more that it's today)

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