some people would be

much more

( )

if they were not real people

-

some people

would be much more beautiful if they only existed in

a collection of words

or

a photograph

painting

webpage

-

some people would be better off if they weren't real

-

no story

no circumstances

they are what you know them to be

-

no reality

surrounding them

reality

ruins

everything

-

i wish nothing was real

i wish so badly that

everything really was just

someone elses dream

because

(ahhh)

it would be so much better

-

i wish i were only a collection of words

written on a page

i wish i only existed in this diary

that i lived only in these pages

forever in my bedroom

-

i wish i were my bedspread

it cost me $12 and the lady who sold it to me taught me how to knit

-

that was quite awhile ago

-

friday afternoon

feels like saturday

i wish it was

-

i want something

to happen

sometime

soon

-

don't

want to

exist

alone

anymore

-

well

i could

and

it

could be quite

pretty

at times but

lonely...

-

i got a letter from my sister today

ahh she is too wonderful for words

with everything that hangs above us

her wonder shines through

joins with myne

we light up the universe

-

i'm remembering now

(the taste of bubble bath on little girl skin)

when i was livig with her

in this beautiful place with a balcony

(the balcony was grand. it had a green story telling chair.)

some afternoons

(probably on weekends i guess)

i would sit there and she would be at work or asleep or something and i'd just

put on some

good

chill out music

and watch the sun go down over the water and the buildings

and write

or just watch

everything would feel like a film clip, everything was very surreal

that was one of the things that drove me out of there

things being to surreal

i didn't feel planted

my life and my head were both going off in different directions and leaving me the living

alone

stranded

and noticing that my feet weren't quite touching the ground and i was getting closer and closer to the sky

and i didn't want that to happen there

or then

-

and so it is

2 months and a phase closed

another one closed today

for her

perhaps for me too

it is the 2 month mark after all

and a 17th birthday next week

less than a week from now.

-

it was my dads birthday on wednesday and

it was kind of sad for

alot of reasons but

i gave him a persent

which he liked more

i think

than anything i have ever given him

and

usually when he goes to bed and i'm in my room

he'll knock on the door and say goodnight without opening it

(i once asked him why he doewsn't open my door anymore. he said it's because i might be naked

[very likely]

and i thought to myself, perhaps it is also because he's scared he'll find me

masturbating slicing myself up putting cigarettes and incense out on my skin or

smoking drugs)

but

on the night of his nirthday, he knocked

and then opened my door

came over to where i was sitting on the bed and gave me a hug and a kiss good night

he said

'thank you for the birthday'

i said

'thank you for being born'

-

then he walked out and went to bed.

but

(the reason i'm tsaying all this)

once he'd closed the door again i started thinking about what i''d just said

and why it had never occured to me before

(in the past 17 years)

to say that to someone on their birthday

perhaps even instead of 'happy birthday' which really....holds no meaning anymore

-

and also

alot of people find birthdays

depressing

(i'm one of them)

because what are they but a reminder that

another year has gone by

you're getting older

and things are shit

-

birhtdays aren't about celebrating whats happening now

they're celebrating what happened years ago

they're celebrating the fact that you were born, that your parents were born to give birth to you and that the universe exists so that you can to

-

but

my birthday is still next week and

i still find it

somewhat depressing

(although i really don't know why. especially when, after all, i'm so young. i feel as though 17 makes me younger)

-

i need a cigarette now

-

it was nice to write this

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