existing within a world of my own

if you weren't continually in my face

i wouldn't even know that you exist

(and i'd like it like that)

-

i don't remember alot about being little

i have almost no memories of

my dad

being home when we lived in one particular house

apparantly it's because he wasn't home

very much

but

i don't really have many memories of my mum being home either

or my brother or sister

i think i mostly just

excluded myself from

everything

alot of the time

play in the pool

or watch tv in a seperate room

whatever just

i wasn't around them

i don't remember them

-

i didn't really have

friends

i had a couple, usually only one or two at a time

-

i thik i was a strange little girl

there's this photo of me

that was in the newspaper

because i was dressing up as a fairy at my grandmothers church fete

and for some reason

i have in my possession a framed copy of it

when i first moved back here, to hervey bay and to my fathers house

it would sit

on this chair

that my mother bought me

(there's 2 of them)

so that i could put my coffeem incense etc. there

i'd stare up at myself

in a fairy costume, holding the hand of a doll

sick

deformed child

somethings fucking wrong with her face

-

my parents broke up 4 days after my 11th birthday

i wasn't surprised

(at all)

although i can never remember knowing before that that things weren't ok with my parents

-

i was a drama queen

i lied alot

especially once i hit highschool

probably grade 9 was the worst

my mum was starting to tell me she was running out of money

that we'd have to move

that she was moving to the soloman islands

that she was buying a ship

all these things

and i would lie

to everyone

about so much stuff

bad stuff

family members having diseases like aids and cancer

abuse rape

being high

once

for no reason that i can remember

i went to school pretending to be so

fucked up and

out of it

they called the ambulance

-

clean as a whistle

-

so much bullshit

-

i've always been quite interested in sex

i'd like to know if other people are like that

always being somewhat obsessed with sex

because i think that they would be

and i wonder if everyone is

and i think ifvereyone really is like that then

we should all just

chill out

and sleep with eachother alot more

-

i'd like to live in a world without consequences

were things just

happened as you wanted them to

where i could kill myself today and be alive tomorrow

burn

and bruise

and

cut

my entire body

all over

and when people would see it in the morning

they wouldn't think anything of it they would just

maybe

treat it like dying my hair or something

i have more to write about this but

i keep losing my train of thought and it's making it hard

-

i feel like no one has any idea who i really am and i wish that they did now

because she's great, she's really great

and i want someone to know

-

they will

you know

(i know)

they will

-

i think i'm moving into this time when i really just want to share

myself

-

i'm hoping that this

wish(?)

is pure enough for the universe to provide me wit somone to share with

someone who is willing to share back

i think they may have already started

(they being the universe)

we'll see

-

i've written alot

i wanted to write more

i have more to write but

not yet

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