it's all good.

-

chill

(baby)

slow down.

as though this is exactly where i want to be right now

existing only in words not in actions and your vision

because you hold me so that nothing else is real

-

enough

nonsensical

-

stoned.

-

new cd today

money i shouldn't have spent

i'm not good at this

-

(i need to remember whats .real. here)

me

i'm real

i'm really all i know is real

(ha)

-

me

cheekbones and

eyes and

lips

(i've been paying alot of attention to my lips lately. they're nicer than i ever knew them to be)

are real

-

bones

that are now starting to appear

from under skin

in ways that

amaze me and

make me wonder if there is really something wrong with my body

(deformed)

ha.

-

the new cd i got is nice

cafe del mar

always nice.

-

headphones

listening through headphones at my computer alot now

i like it

i think the rest of my family does to.

-

i can still hear the tv.

-

man

i want to be getting stoned with amanda.

(haha in 24 hours i will be)

cool.

-

wow.

i really must be bored.

and

yeah

-

i really don't know what to think of this beautiful boy.

he's going away

might have already gone in a sense and

things are so up in the air

2 weeks of this is going to be horrid

i bet i'm going to write lots more gay 'basking in this beauty' things

wow

(stoned...)

real.

how real are you?

fuck man

i bet no one is even real enough to answer that question with

i'm not

very real

at all.

-

it's a sickening thought isn't it

and really

what do you do about it

how can you change whats been for your whole life

-

can't.

thats real.

i hate it

it's the worst thought pattern to get into because there's no way out and

it just gets worse

and worse and worse.

ha

reality ruins everythng.

-

i don't know whats happening with beautiful boy.

but

otherwise, life is pretty good.

i have a job....and now i get weekends off which is just wonderful

money is

good

should really try and focus on saving a bit of it since

that was the plan

but

i'm working on it.

pot is good.

i've re-bonded with little miss lovely mary jane

(i can't believe i just used the term 'mary jane')

but it's true.

i have.

for awhile there

we were still spending

alot

of time together but we didn't like eachother much

she was being a little bitchy

doing bad things to me

but

over it

more comfort

-

this is how i know that my headspace really has moved.

don't know if anyone else really picked up on it

but

it happened...

awhile ago now

(stop talking now jess)

i wonder if you can pinpoint where/when

also i'm feeling much more comfortable in this page now that it's just like

my bedroom

because

i'm in my bedroom alot and i absolutely love it

nakedness

on my bed

in the mornings now for hours

wonderful.

-

i wish my brown blanket was in here.

-

and sorry that

this is maybe

a little hard to read now

but

i like it and

hopefully

it doesn't cause too many problems.

also

sorry that i'm an idiot

(just thought i better throw that one in there)

-

i've started reading Rampa.

my dad has been telling me about these books for years

strange

-

beautiful

-

we're all beautiful

real true insane

hurting

living loving breathing growing

evolving

moving sighing speaking

thinking.

always

thinking

-

at the same time we're existing in other times and spaces galaxies and dimensions

all encompassing

we know the entire course of history

moves like a circle

never ending

wrapping up so much in itself forever going round and around

growing, getting better bigger stronger

becoming a solid

you

are the universe.

-

discover it

learn about it

see how far you can delve into it thus far

watch how you learn how to move

further into it

-

do not take advantage of it

it is a gift to you, use it only as you would wish to be used

if you choose to try and manipulate it

play games with it

it will do the same to you

in ways you wont even notice until it's too late

it will have no problem self destructing if need be

-

i don't know where these things come from

-

i'm sorry that this is so painfully long

but fuck

i needed to write this

calm down

remember that

i'm me mememememe

don't need anything else

because i staryed away from that and

it sent me spinning.

it's only wednesday night.

i'm going to my mothers this weekend

been a long time

but should be nice

nice nice nice

darling

now that i've remembered me

(OH!)

how exciting.

i can remember you

ohh

you are

magnificent.

-

things will unfold in their own time.

i'm glad you know tat there's some

thing we have to do together

so

hopefully

you're not going to just disappear.

don't make me question if you're real

please don't do that.

i know you wouldn't want to.

(don't need anything else to make me feel alive)

-

breathe.

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