i wonder if she feels that too.

-

a world of thought before that everything i am is fraudulent manufactured

fabricated

-

it's true.

-

it seems i'm smoking hash tonight.

an unexpected surprise

(i think the point of surprises is that they're unexpected dickhead.)

yeah

utterly uninspired

-

which is strange

i needn't be feeling this why do i feel death

-

wonder whats really dead

wonder if all the things i thought were dead

(bad things)

aren't.

-

why wouldn't it be true.

i'm an idiot.

-

yeah

un-real right now

fabricated false idiotic rejected denied you're fucked up

-

nothings happened.

nothing bad i mean

a million good things have happened to me in the past week.

more so i think than in the whole rest of my life.

(it's possible.)

-

hmm darling

yeah whatever

diaries which list sliceandburn as a favourite

aes

(i never knew how to pronounce that. i don't think i've ever said it out loud but in my head it always gets read as a-e-s)

it's amanda.

-

tonight i'm feeling

(fuck her)

as in, not have sex with her but the other way.

-

i'm guessing she feels the same

about me.

which is ok

-

last night

(this morning, i went to bed at 7 am)

i had a beautiful dream about his hands around me and a feeling of home equalled by nothing else.

i went to sleep

on sunday night

(monday morning, the sun was almost up)

thinking of lying down in a cloud of frangipani's

(fragrant flower)

and making what it is we think we have

(in less than a week)

-

it was so beautiful and i told you about it

i tell you nearly everything.

and you

return the favour

or you do the favour

and i return it

-

we balance beautifully and i hope you never get sick of hearing the answer to that question

(what are you thinking and feeling right now?)

-

you keep me up at night simply because i don't WANT to stop thinking about you

you said it last night and it's true

nothing i would rather be doing then sharing time with you

-

woodford is in 10 days.

i'm pretty much fucked as to who i'm going to be camping with

i'm sort of not all that stressed about it, something will work out

(i think you will)

-

i got my period a week early.

which means i'm not going to have it at woodford

(that could mean so much, that could be so beautiful)

-

we've shared that we're falling i love and i haven't even held his hand

and it's fine, it's so incredibly fine because

we're not in control of this

this is more than just mark and jessica meeting one day over a cash register

-

so i feel no need to push towards some certain point

i wouldn't want to hurry anything i would like these feelings to last forever

-

(i feel in some way they already have)

-

it's going to be interesting how i handle seeing you perform on friday night

i think it might freak me out a bit

(alot)

but i think it's also going to be really really beautiful.

incredibly, magnificently beautiful

(i really don't know how to spell that word i think)

-

and he's here.

and everything falls into this beautiful state of peace

and i want to know everything

i want to know what happened to you today, what you thought, what you felt

i want you to tell me everything about you

refresh my memory of these things that somewhere i already know

-

i feel this harmony between us

this wholeness that you talk of

(is that what you thought was dead?)

i feel it too.

(i want to call you darling but i don't think i have yet. why is that. is darling not my word? quite possibly)

-

oh yeah.

ha

haha

i just remembered

(hahahahahahahahahahahhahaha)

everything i am is manufactured fake fraudulent fabricated

nothing i have is real

i'm a big fat pile of shit that you should stand on, even though it means getting your shoes dirty because...even as a pile of shit

i should just be smeared shit thats on a stick someone used to get it off their shoe

-

i don't get

whats going on

i go from big self loathing thing to being incredibly in love with you

in fact

i think i can feel both at the same time

(multitalented)

-

i think i should just quit while i'm ahead

or something

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