To be honest I think unsatisfying is an understatement.

I think you�re making a mistake, making excuses and being a little boy about the whole situation.

I don�t feel bitter or angry, just

Dissatisfied.

Let down

Again

Palmed off, disposed of

-

mark, why are you doing this? Why do you feel as though it would have to be like that when it could be such a fucking beautiful thing?

It could be

Ahhhhh fuck it could be amazing and just because you can�t let go of this crap

You think it would be detrimental to everything

I think this is fucking detrimental to everything.

Incredibly so.

Mind boggling so even.

-

all I want

is to be able to spend one night with you

one night

walking around the city

getting lost in bright lights and eachother

holding hands, embracing, not wanting to let you go, feeling you hold me tight

you�ve dropped 2 belt notches since you moved

god that�s so beautiful

you�re voice is beautiful but so far away

one night

of coffee, you smoking my cigarettes and me smoking yours

of beautiful sex, even if it is on an airbed

that deflates

(like my heart everytime you seem disappointed in my point of view, disappointed that I refuse to be what you want me to)

sitting in this purple chair again, writing words like this, too much to handle right now

tears stinging my eyes but refusing to fall because that would mean giving into the fact that you�ve won

I can�t change your mind

I cannot see the fucking logic in what you�re saying.

-

pia is down there this weekend to see bek

(bek let her come)

and beks unattached

beks not feeling good

well that�s beks fucking choice

just like it would be your choice

our choice.

It wouldn�t have to be like that

What difference does it make

In what way is seeing you for a couple of hours in hervey bay going to be satisfying to either of us?

Fucking what way

-

You say I�m being unreasonable (maybe I am)

You say I Won�t Listen (maybe I won�t)

That I don�t understand (and you�re right, I fucking don�t)

-

but I think you�re being unreasonable

you�re not listening

You Don�t Understand

-

you say that you understand what I�m feeling

you say that you�re sorry

(fuck your sorry�s)

you say that

�we had that conversation about how easy, and sometimes good it can feel to be feeling bad in yourself but to see that reflected in other people can be so painful it�s almost unbearable�

and that you feel that for me

but you�re choosing to draw it out

you�re choosing to Feed It

if it�s so fucking painful for YOU then fucking do something about it and make it feel better

all I want

one night

one fucking night

-

I feel as though after that one night

I�d be ok

(good to go)

I wouldn�t mind saying goodbye because it would be a satisfied goodbye

It would be a �we just had a beautiful time together, I�m glad that it could end like this� goodbye

Instead of a �oh yeah, it was nice to see you for 3 hours� goodbye

That goodbye isn�t going to be satisfied at all

That goodbye is going to know that So Much More could�ve been done and said and felt and shared

I�m never going to see the fucking logic in what you�re doing right now

And those 3 hours are going to be spent

(it�ll probably be more than 3 hours, that�s just a random figure I pulled out of my ass)

anticipating that unsatisfied goodbye

-

what am I saying

be satisfied that you get to see him again at all

(no, that still doesn�t sit right. Sorry, fuck you positive reasonable thinking)

I feel as though the whole thing has been soured by

Dissatisfaction

Arrrrrrgh fuck

This is stupid.

(what can I say that hasn�t been said a thousand times before)

why does it always end up like this

why am I always the one left feeling unsatisfied instead of the one leaving unsatisfied

fuck it all

fuck feeling this

I hate feeling like this

I hate this whole fucking fucked up situation

-

ani was beautiful last night.

Sydney is beautiful, the state theatre is beautiful, sharing books and music and stories about beautiful sex with my sister is beautiful

(please, no one read that the wrong way)

reading sophies world for the ninth time is beautiful, thinking about amanda is beautiful, anticipating the money I�m going to spend on that drug that I�ve sorta-kinda-half tried once before when I get back is beautiful

dreaming every night for nearly 2 months is beautiful

drawing a picture of a giant flower in coloured pencils when I never ever ever draw is fucking beautiful

the way you�re smell has been haunting me is beautiful

washing $75 worth of professionally done make up is beautiful

having black/red/purple hair is beautiful

having big eyes and nice lips is beautiful

feeling content in comfortable in myself is beautiful

wanting to live in this big giant city and embrace anonymity is beautiful

the fact that I cried while trying to get myself off a couple of weeks ago is really beautiful

that Tuesday spent listening to beth ortons ted�s waltz on repeat for 8 hours and crying uncontrollably is beautiful

the fact that I can cry so easily is beautiful

the fact that I experienced this love, this boy and his world his friends � the amazing Ms. Flage is beautiful

having a gorgeous English Christian friend who tells me he�ll be my daddy and prays for me is beautiful

wanting to get a job in a caf� is beautiful

getting kisses on the nose from a not yet fully grown cat is beautiful

wearing a pink skirt and black t shirt is beautiful

ok

now I�m feeling a little better

the fact that I get to see you again, even if for only a couple of hours, the fact that I get to feel your arms around me, and to put my arms around your gorgeous tight little body, to taste you and kiss you and look at you and have your head in my lap and stroke your hair

that�s really beautiful.

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