ring beks phone tomorrow (saturday) asap. if you cant get though to our home numbe. just ask for me....whatever time.....8am i dont mind ...please do..if you cant get though...just organise a bus and catch one here and then when you get here...ill come and get you from the bus station...i will go halfs in the bus fair if you need to....please....i miss you so...

take days off work...ill pay you for the missed pay if that worries you...just please come and visit...for a couple of days....please....

-mark."

------------

well....why are you even bothering to have that question in your eyes?

of course i did.

just the other day

didn''t i say something like

(ill go walking in your landscape)

'i want to run to you, ask me to'

----------

he's the beautifullest

(fragilest)

still strong

dark and divine

--------

and puzzling.

it's all a little strange

i used some harsh words

(the boys went to see placebo last night, while the girls tramped around the city and got denied entry to strip clubs)

'friends who fuck?'

really harsh

for a boy like him

made for an hour and a half of tension

matthew bellamy's screaming vocals at 2am

stoned cold jess sitting on the balcony, wanting to scream and kiss and love and hit and hate

unable to move and

i'm still hearing those strange conversations

people saying things i know they wouldn't

-

some shade of honesty

but i don't get to hear it all

because apprantly

(apparantly)

it would be unfair to all involved

'i feel more for you than you could Possibly Imagine'

strange this distance...strange indeed

-

amazed though

saturday night

Fucked Raw

well

finger

fucked raw

(i woke up bleeding...bleeding..and Sore - sore amanda, yes sore indeed!!)

and i was Loud

rudely so

considering the other 'sleeping' people in the house

but who fucking cares

first time in years

things coming at me from

behind

dirty dirty Whore

(you know bek, you know)

earlier that night though

'darling mark, can i hold your hand?'

well..no

i wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea, wouldn't want you to think i invited you here just to be physical with you

no hands held..but fingers in assholes are a-ok

let it slide...for the moment

but waking up at 8 when no one else wakes up till 2 gives a strange little girl

(little bleeding girl)

much, too much time to think

and write

(words, great great great words..sing along, 'i am certain of nothing but this boy he makes me Feel..')

write on your body to..draw..flowers and my words, pretty words for the pretty lipstick and mascara boy

the boys wake up

miss bek, how are you?

(she's not a boy..but she woke up to)

sitting on the balcony, coffee's and cigarettes a plenty and

segregated jess

(is that it or is it just my imagination)

hmmmm

better not sit next to her hey mark...she might get the wrong idea

a much needed sleep for me while they all clean up

(you.....are..myangel)

GLORIOUS DAY

--------

when i get up the boys

the lipstick and mascara boys

are putting on their lipstick and mascara

doing hair

all dressed up in their tight black suits and sad little faces

such pretty, Pretty boys

walk walk walk...someone stopped mid stride, mid street

'holy shit man, look at that girl'

big smiles

i like big smiles

and little waves

(keep on walking)

------

bek and i

the silliness begins on a walk across a bridge

hey bek you know what..

i didn't ask for the anal probe.

'me neither!!'

--------

wonderful time with her

no surprises there at all

aimless walks, caffeine at starbucks, that cute girl..i think she likes you bek

(silent thoughts..wow, that blonde girl in the denim skirt..i'd hate to have a body as plastic looking as that, i think i'd feel less of a womwan..ohh look she's going into starbucks to)

is your name Jess? i remember you from grade 8 homeroom..and i remember you from primrary school

no fucking way.

-

walking home...catching a train while it's moving and swinging around on poles..clap...clapclap...

we should buy these houses tomorrow

before we walk to sydney to lunch with the toothless poet

(i came home tonight to a letter from him sitting on my bed..nice man...pity about the teeth)

ani dvd..

2 little girls

bek.....you fantastical whore

You Are Divinity.

---------

ohhh

the lipstick boys

anti lipstick lipstick boy is pissed at something

how dare anyone suggest that silverchair put on a better show than placebo..

sitting on a benchtop..you're determined to cook me dinner..i haven't eaten since friday and it's now monday morning..the last thing i want is food but ok..whatever

'i'm a little confused..i shouldn't have said that, i'm not saying anymore'

but you insisted

oh, how you insisted

fine then

3 words are going through my head..meaning nothing but you wanna hear it...friends who fuck

take it as you want to

pehaps look at it as a question

----------

he didn't say another word to me

had 2 forkfuls of his dinner and threw it away

'lost my appetite, goodnight guys'

i didn't want to eat myne to begin with so fuck it, there goes my dinner to

sit out there and have a cigarette..you want me to follow you and i will..but not yet

-----------

too long a story to finish

was being an idiot, turned off the lights and turned up muse

seperate fucking mattresses

fuck that

fuck you

slammed doors

cute little dance, sweet little smile..hey bek..i'm just gonna take this lighter and sit outside for awhile..

hour and a half..maybe more

everyones going to bed and i'm cold..really cold...and stoned, so fucking stoned

buut anyway

talk talk talk

chat chat chat

shit shit shit

massage my neck, rub my back..i'm sleeping over here now

no, sleep on here with me

ok, rub my back, massage my neck..

fell asleep with only our feet touching but you were still right beside me and i could still hear you breathing

wake up and you're face is right in front of me and you're watching me sleep

closeness closeness grows through the day

'what are you thinking about?'

asking if you'll have sex with me...we're just naked and riding eachothers legs..it only seems logical

(i didn't say that bit..)

ohh...moral dilemma for the sweet boy..

but it was ok in the end

more than ok it was more fucking satisfying than anything i can remember

------

words for me from bek on the kicthen table

i rip out the pages of my book that rightfully belong to her

nice chats

nice coffee

nice flirtatious mark..i'm miss jessica again

i like it when i'm miss jessica

stressful walk to the trainstation..they were both worried i would miss it but knew that i wouldn't..we were 10 minutes early..they should trust me more

and they're there..both of them...these 2 beautiful amazing people who have turned my life into something i at timems enjoy...love even over the last few months

----------

long train ride home

(home?)

screaming retard fighting with an ivisible mother

singing mother and daughter...they give you headphones so that if you want to sit in silence you can..

tired

but not sad

not sad at all

i am joyous even.

----------

i will be in brisbane again the weekend after this one

(if not before)

i like the way things are going

if i don't focus on certain things too much..it's not confusing at all

simnple

mark and i are in love

no idea what to do with it or how we can make it work because we are So different in some ways

but i am certain of nothing

except that this boy can make me feel

----

(and that girl is spectacular)

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