-----

quiet down.

i get told on a close enough to daily basis

how best to live my life.

people older, somehow i doubt wiser than me

-

strange.

annoying.

not good because it's pressure

i don't need pressure

i need time.

to sit

stand up, look around

blink...

adjust my eyesight

get comfortable enough in my surroundings to be able to alter them.

stop

asking what i've done today

i'm doing something

working on something

(not sure what but it's there)

-

not living?

what else have i been doing??

my existence, my Life

is Beautiful.

-

--------------------

-

don't make this into some big philosophical history of time discussion, this is life

damn fucking straight it's life.

all of it.

absolutely all of it.

-

i was going to ask

who put

timeframes

on things.

who established what one should be doing with ones life at whatever moment

who the fuck

did that.

-

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

-

how did you gain the right to see small portions of my life and decide that the whole thing was pointless

moving in circles

that everything i am doing have done and will do

is out of Fear.

Fear?

because it's easy

and comfortable

and i'm happy in it.

ohhh man......you should just shut up right Now.

really.

-

she's neurotic like a yo-yo.

-

it took me 7 minutes to write that.

-

i'm really confused about mark.

he's the most beautiful thing.

already know that...

he's as lost as me

we need to Talk, there's so much excess silence excess things not getting said

fill the space with touching

our bodies created a void

in the shape of

a heart..

yeah......it made me smile

-

fill the space.

mark...

we just want something to cling to.

something to

live for

it's sad.

it's a sad situation.

-

but your face...

and your sad eyes or your happy eyes...those cheeky little smiling eyes

the sorry eyes

the are you ok i need to know what you're thinking eyes

the you just Really Hurt me eyes

(ahh wow)

the i'll just smile and tilt my head like this and pretend it's all ok

eyes

the i hate myself for doing that eyes

-

mark

he fills me up but wow

he's going to

leave an empty shell of me

-

we're raping eachother.

-

spiritually mentally

physical - it's love

it's 'i'm thinking about having really slow sex with you'

it's waking up bleeding.

-

it's hours and hours of silence and then Light.

and you

and me with a pen and your back just there, just waiting for me

how are you so beautiful?

how on earth is something that beautiful in such close proximity to me?

holy fucking jesus.

-

i thought about it properly last night.

pj finished and dave was watching the ani dvd

dilate

came on and

baby you're it this time.

-

and i cried didn't i...

i did

i had tears

rolling

fat droplets

-

and you cover up my stomach because

you don't want to see my gills.

-

and that 'ooooo...your body just started shaking'

are you coming miss jessica?

hmmmm....!!!!....Maybe..

-

and you apologise and feel guilty as soon as you're done

the same instant even.

wow...i usually can't even talk

-

and so that part of it's beautiful.

but there's something else isn't there

whats the something else?

hmm i'm really not sure mark...

is it...inescapable realities?

are we...scared of eachother?

intimidated perhaps?

why aren't we honest.

why no more

open conversation.

-

because it's unfair?

because you

want to throw yourself into it just like i do

but you

like me

are being cautious.

-

i like that it's not hard to imagine that you're feeling like i am.

i like it alot.

-

scattered sunday afternoons..

ohh...yeah, it's sunday

i''m not sure what else to do with myself

so much to swim in, to look at

i've been having these Amazing dreams

really long

and so fucking hazy it's unbelievable

but...i'm getting there

soon enough i'll be able to keep them going all day again

perhaps i'll find some food.

i'm drinking again tonight.

maybe because it tastes like you..or because it makes me feel the way you like to feel..or because

it does wonders as far as getting words out goes.

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