-

i just...don't.

-

my nipples are hard and it looks really hot

coming up from underneath this black

thermal long sleeve shirt (oh the excitement)

and i'm wearing hese brown

pants that i stole today

(they cost $80..isn't it sad that i made less than that in a week..)

yeah i actually stole something.

i can't even steal gummy bracelets

from work

or even lollies

that are just going to get thrown out.

can't do it that bu i can put a pair of pants on under my skirt, make polite conversation and then walk on out of there

as easy as buying cigarettes without id..

ahhh dear

-

and so tonight i'm taking part in this conversation

with mr

he's not concrete junglist anymore

pushes squares.

and we're indulging

indulging big time.

it

'what it would have been'

what it will be

---

and it's strange

because mark has been talking to tamara alot lately?

and i think i maybe saw her today

although

although nothing..

---

and beks name is something about

a butterfly

and misery

and...

i don't know.....

----------------------------------------

i don't know.

----------------------------------------

and it's like i expect honesty from somewhere

i expect that out of nowhere something will be real what has Ever

been real?

-

well nothing

i don't know i don't know nothing? i don't know..

----------------------------------------

ahh danger zones baby

danger

danger.

-

anger he's so angry i remember when i used to be angry similair situation the scorpio libran thing although it's reversed now

amanda do you know what i'm talking about?

you'd have to know what i'm talking about

and he feels that for me?

thats disgusting.

i actually feel that.

in my throat

like a sickness a serious

fuck i'm going to vomit

----------------------------------------

and so i don't know i don't know

benny.

benny.

i showed him this

we're having strange talks tonight..

----------------------------------------

and i'm doing the radiohead thing again amanda

just...soaking up every slbum

soaking it up

sometimes it's so right oh wow

i've avoided

hail to the thief

for weeks...

tonight is the night my friend

but i just put

amnesiac on

because kid a was finished

so

next...

yes

well

----------------------------------------

things have been put on pause

the universal remote control

9316729342675

$9.95

----------------------------------------

momentary lapse in conversation, some time for me to breathe

and write

as it would seem

----------------------------------------

and it's thursday night now.

10:41

and i'm

i don't have anything i have to do

until tuesday afternoon.

yeah.

nice.

i say

tomorrow

i be active..

force myself

force yourself jess

(listen to them..)

i have to send these fucking pants.

2 months overdue whats with that?

and i think i need to spoil myself a little more

but don't steal anything else.

thats just not cool.

not cool jess.

---------------------------------------

so i've been smoking lots and lots of

free pot

hmmmm i'm always stoned.

always stoned.

-

why?

because....why not be stoned?

nothing else to do.

but even if there was something else..i think i'd prefer to be doing it stoned rather than straight

funny

these things

are funny.

so yeah

i think i deserve spoiling.

i'm going to find myself some great clothes.

and maybe books.

books would be nice but i have to remember to not over do it..

and i don't really have much money at all...i have maybe $30 to spend on my wild shopping spree...but still....thats amazing.

----------------------------------------

i know that i'm not going to be seeing very much sunlight after tomorrow...

for a couple of days

hmmmmmmmmm i like it.

and

i like the openness

the way i approach things

mindless passion

benny calls it and yes

thats what it is

with everything i just....i'm full of mindless passion

and i believe it must be So self evident to everyone

well

not everyone

but

the ones who would know (what the fuck jess)

my actions lately have been a little

off centre.

----------------------

i think mark sees it and can't comprehend it so thats why he's angry

i think benny

benny just

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh see, i don't even have the words.

i hate it though.

hate it.

what he does is perfect.

---------------------------------------

it's only 10:48

what am i doing with myself?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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