i can see my silhouette and these great

lines of shadow and light dacing inbetween them.

you can see loops in my hair

light shines through them too.

looks quite beautiful.

i wish i could tape it.

-

lately dreams are scary thoughts.

so vivid

this morning

large gashes above my left breast

really large

white ones

a shower trying to keep the pools of blood from view

someone else had these cuts

but much more of them, covering their whole chest

i'm not sure who it was

these 3 special people seemed to morph into one perhaps

walking up stairs to a secret room

innuendos

and as i was waking

sad to be leaving someone in particular behind

my magic 3 becomes 1 person..

but a kiss on the lips

and a 'this is only goodbye for now, remember the 5th of may'

and in my half waking state

i knew

that i was thinking of 2 dates

then

the 5th of may

and the 24th of july

yes, 3 into 1 indeed.

-

all that blood though.

so much of it, i've never dreamt up that much blood before

never seen such mighty gashes.

perhaps i would like to but ohh...it would take so much time you know

patience

(can someone please call a surgeon)

-

thursday morning.

paid today.

$15 to spare..wa-hoo

amanda....we could go to 'the show'?

or we could buy a bottle of 'miranda' white shiraz and toast to the inevitable

it could be my shout

if you wanted.

i'd still have $3.50 left for an iced coffee in the morning

or a mocharamarama even

ohh dear.

-

i cried this morning.

cried when i had no cigarettes..cried because of the kiss on my lips as i was waking up

cried because of how pretty i look in pink and black.

-

another wasted week.

-

get ready for another wasted weekend.

-

no one to blame but myself.

i redid my resume.

i incquired about a 30 hours a week cashier job

(taken)

steps...steps steps steps

these shadows and light really are amazing

remind me of

mark cooking dinner one night and i was stoned off my little head and amazed at how

if i was sitting facing the bench, on a low enough chair, i could see this light shadow of my head...and then move my hand and a darker shadow would appear on top of it.

dave was lying on the couch strumming his guitar and he would stop

whenever i started to speak.

i think it was a really beautiful moment.

i remember thinking that when i was in it.

-

the postal service are just way too cool.

(i need you to pretend, that we are in love again)

and you agreed to.

-

at work these days

remember i said i was all over it?

well yes

i still am.

now i am doing more dancing, and actually singing OUT LOUD in the service desk

i have people saying

'you've been here for awhile now..'

the man from my past introduced his son.

i know his favourite feeling.

-

my main emotion right now is

anticipation.

-

i know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the feeling

that your perfect verse is just a lie, that you tell yourself to help you geeeeeeeet byyyyyyyyyy.............

-

ohh come on

dance in your chair.

-

i want to slow dance with her in starbucks

still.

i want to spaghetti twirl her bedsheets till i collapse in a giggling mess

i want to lie down on the back verndah and count the city stars

marvel at the pink and purple sky

see our houses

call the real estate and ask if we can

inspect

the one thats for sale.

-

i want to jetset down to sydney and start work in jolly rogers tomorrow.

i want to shave all my hair off

cut up my face so no one knows it's me and RUN AWAY

(it's divine she says..divine)

i want an offer i can't refuse.

-

everything begins and ends at exactly the right time

that song always makes me cry.

i'd like to hear it right now.

opt for 'the chill out sessions' instead

quite the contrast.

-

long winded.

time to kill.

-

pink and black

purple and brown

the pink and purple hair girl worked yesterday

she was a bit lost.

i called her darl

'i'll do it for you darl'

i actually stayed 10 minutes longer than i had to.

just putting some things in order you know...ladeedadeeda

it's 10:32

i've got some cigarettes now.

i'm in love with the idea of sleep

you can just lie down, close your eyes and the hours pass and one is completely oblivious to it

oblivious to breathing

to being alive

isn't it romantic?

so i sleep early now.

sleep before 11pm? isn't that absurd..

there's nothing else to do though

as soon as i get home i bury myself in my room to smoke around about 5-6 pipes and..well this week it's been wine you know

red wine

or rather

'white' shiraz

but it looks red to me.

pink.

i picked it because of picnic at hanging rock

you know how that fat girl

runs around

'miraaaandaaaaaaaaaaa'

i love the way that sounds

they play that sound clip on triple j every now and then

for the film girl perhaps or something like that

what is that sound?

the sound of.......2 hearts

tori amos' english teacher said

'you could do better. go read sylvia plath'

-

fin

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