what is it?

oh just some tears you know

(despise myself)

just that sleeping self loathing

(for what you've done)

-

tears

burying face in the softest spots

i'm your whore.

i'm your last minute Fuck

could i be read if i was see-through

-

it's not that

not just that

it's the overwhelming emptiness

it's the LACK

it's the

we have a gas bottle in the sunroom

just sitting there.

it's the thinking the toilet would be ideal because it's small

(hold yourself, coz no one will)

but it has this patch of window covered by screen that can't close

(cover it with paper)

and this fan

in the cieling

paper also?

i'd need a ladder..

and

how would they open the door?

i'd be a corpse trapped in a toilet and someone would need to pee.

my room would be wonderful but it's to big

take too long

bathroom?

still too big

fan also

window outside

there's this shed

this little room

just a little bigger than the toilet

i actually didn't think of that before but now that i do

well it could be perfect

it's a little crowded in there

not even really room to stand

hmmm

-

too many thoughts like that

early mornings

it's not healthy you know.

see

thing is i can look in any direction for hope all i want

and there may be temporary solutions but nothing

Nothing

is going to make everything all better.

i could

i could do it

i would be the only one

who could

but i won't.

too hard

-

so i'm there and i hate being awake like this

robbed of sleep

haunted by dark little thoughts like this

and the way they hurt

just the thoughts

are sharp

-

turn on sigur ros because i want to be wrapped up in the love that

benny

has for me

and i am

i can place myself in him

i used to do it late last year.

pre-mark.

-

feeling much better now i suppose

the thought of the gas bottle is switched on in the front of my mind like

something fluroscent

neon

flashing

'take me take me take me'

-

things are too messy

this life

you know i've been digging this hole for myself

for years

it's documented.

my own fault

i'm not trying to blame anyone although i'd like to be able to

just like i'd like to able to rely on somebody else to take it all away

damn.

-

and maybe

well maybe

-

i have no maybes.

yes amanda.

lets spend time together.

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