i feel like i could keep going all day

i definately would

till at least 3pm

if it wasn't for work.

-

i was having dreams

naturally

as is the trend of late, i can't really remember much but

benny was there alot

benny was there just how i'd like him to be

we were all hugs and kisses and soft touches on backs to get eachothers attention

we were wrapped in the sudden physicality of eachother.

and there was a little girl

i was walking around with some people

this group

benny of course, perhaps miss bek, miss amanda

perhaps some warehouse customers, people i don't know but maybe would like to

we were looking after the little girl and we lost her

near the library and the uni lake

but she was found with this woman

and another little girl

-

miss bek suggested to me last night that we kill a man on friday.

i would.

i definately would.

i'm not sure if she was so serious.

we'll see how the day/night pans out i guess.

my what a grand entry that would make

(yes. i'm a little weird.)

-

i recieved a lovely card from my sister this morning

she had written on the back of the envelope something about

you may feel as if you are being asked to exchange lots of things for nothing. should you make the swap, you'd soon realise you'd exchanged nothing for everything.

i don't know what to think.

i want to move.

very seriously, very realistically

if i had some kind of financial security net to get me there and cover the first 2-3 weeks

(hopefully by then i would

ve found a job..bookstore, i'm hoping for a bookstore)

i would go today.

i really would.

so fucking eager.

-

splendour thoughts.

splendour thoughts are my favourite thoughts these days.

we have a house to stay in?

benny and i have a bed..a shower!

a little less privacy but thats ok.

i mentioned something about hoping pj would play to bring you my love

and he replied with hopefully when she does he'll be standing with my arms around me

now if that doesn't make a girl silently screm, i don't know what will

you know those joyful little 'weeeeeeeeee' silent screams

yeah

one of those.

-

i don't know how anyone can read this.

but

watch those numbers, evidently, people do

-

my body is aching possibly worse than i've ever known it to

it's been

lingering for days

a week even, maybe longer

maybe it's lack of sex.

too much tension, i'm holding myself quite tightly i think

-

but benny.

see there's just room for endless possibilities

i can play out countless scenarios in my mind about what that first meetings going to be like.

ah.

will i have to keep my eyes shut tight for fear of exploding if i keep looking at you?

or will i

not be able to stop staring

i know for a fact i'm not going to be able to get the smile off my face.

and to hug you.

that first hug.

finding eachother in eachothers arms?

after so long.

you know i can't even remember how it started.

i can't even remember how

we got to talking about being in love with eachother

we'd been talking for a couple of months and then it just seemed

to happen

i can't stop thinking about you

neither can i

do you think we are in love?

quite possibly.

-

we'll have 18 months of history by the time we lay eyes on eachother

and i think about

you seeing my scars

and this biggest one

i think i talked to you

while it was bleeding

i think i poured things out to you

while that cut

was bleeding.

look at it now.

oh benny.

oh everythig.

oh, i just don't know.

oh, i'm going to have a cigarette, have a shower and go to work.

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