where are you?

-

i'm staring at a white space and waiting

because i had ideas and i had fully formed sentences but

-

i could've walked for hours.

i could've walked every street in this town but it would undoubtedly prove pointless

you're nowhere here.

you're nowhere close

yet

there's imprints of you in so many places, enough to warrant walking

almost every street

wandering aimlessly

with such intense purpose

to find

knowing not what she runs from or where she's running to

what leads to desperation?

-

if i could bury myself in truth

if i could bury myself in the beauty

today was the kind of day that started with a scotch instead of a coffee.

-

the sum of my youth

are you getting older?

when people mention age

when people mention what are you doings

-

if i could i'd invite you to share a whole lifetime with me.

i'd invite you to be some kind of antidepressent i could call on whenever needed.

no.

i'd invite you

to relive history for the rest of forever

and i'd invite you to be my mistress, my hidden secret

just as you are

-

lines of light dancing forming patterns complimenting soundscapes, a girl watching the stars come out she was standing on the beach, i was

sitting on a seat

black shadows, the setting sun makes hand puppets of us all

black line of the horizon, you should write a song about that

any day now

if i were honest

which i'm not.

slips

of the tongue

flicks of wrists

i thought as much she says.

i don't understand.

-

scratches below old scars

how did that..?

where did that come from?

i like it, it stings in the shower.

-

safety pins in pinstripe pants.

can you believe that?

i'm just getting distracted.

i'm sorry, excuse me, it's Not my Fault.

no blame but i miss you

and i'm still not sure why

and i don't think i'm at all in a state to do anything about it

i don't think the situations in a state

to do anything about it.

-

i'm drinking coffee now

in all my pants and striped sleeve glory perhaps i've never looked so sane.

oh my.

i'm in a bad place.

-

she stated your age.

it was so cold that the air was sharp to breathe in

-

experienced a moment where it was painful to exhale simply because

it was letting go of all the control i'd just mustered into myself

this song just makes me want to say your name.

but i wont.

you didn't even say a thing, didn't have to

don't even know i was there

but it was huge.

this is just ridiculous.

-

i need to focus on something.

(sallow skinned and starry eyed)

all of a sudden it feels like everyone is in on this together

they're all part of it, they all know everything that happens, that gets said and they choose strange moments to drop hints

and the way dreams rush back and seem somehow connected.

i think i'm going crazy.

you know

crazy.

he says your eyes betray your diaries

remember held hands

remember long drives.

i'm a dog without a collar on.

-

i've got alot of hair, i'll let you bend me over your bed(!!) and grab handfuls of it if you want

i'll let you beat me.

i'll let you cut my face.

i'll let you brand your name and whatever else you want all over my body, i'll let you push my limits

i'll let you in

i'll let you let out all the hate you feel for me.

everyone.

anyone.

i miss watching silently with bedtime eyes, living in a totally different world to the people around me.

i miss

not much.

thats bad.

it's all bad.

it's all just maybe a useless indulgence.

it was a filler for the void.

how's your void going?

mynes bigger than ever and growing by the day i feel it has swallowed up the majority of

anything that is me

(just a corpse in the bathtub)

-

hungry for pieces of people.

hungry.

as though i remember everything.

as though i'd never made such a solid point of noticing and savouring every moment spent while under certain influences and

well they're all still beautiful.

but this is just getting stupid isn't it.

but you know.

you know.

somedays it's everywhere.

somedays it's just

right.

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