your lips are cracked and dry and you haven't shaved for a couple of days. you're drinking your first short black. we're sitting in a familiar spot with 2 oblivious people. i say i have no choice in whether or not i forgive you i wonder if you realise that means that i am trapped by you and a slave to your physicality your beauty the prettiness i see in you the Lust

the pure amazement at that sex being not just in my prescence but in a sense myne. i'm the thought you have when you bring yourself to orgasm each night.

i have chosen to white everything out because it's all disgusting all dirty recycled words i'm sure you've read this somewhere before possibly in my earlier pages well look at that it's just pathetic

words that don't mean a thing.

too many of them.

and i hide myself from your eyes because what you see this version this text that you get is not my life is not these amazingly heartstoppingly BREATHTAKINGLY Beautiful moments and lanscapes i find myself in. my words, any for that matter could never do them justice.

i find i live for these thoughts typed out in white space posted to a site with a name i despise for some sad people (sad like myself, indeed, these are beautiful people) to peruse and maybe take a moment to enjoy what they read or it makes them feel something, it paints a picture nondescript it paints lies it paints tainted vision

it paints turning every little thing into something worth writing about something worth studying giving thoughts to breathing life to

i find i'm not myself in these words sometimes i find myself in these words i don't know what it's for anymore and when we're falling apart and i'm breaking down and everybodies watching? nothing spells satisfaction in these words.

-

and you know when you walked in i noticed her first and i didn't want to look at you because oh how it fucking stings you know and you were all smiles and waves and looking at me like you do and i hated that it made me shake so that i thought i would drop things it made me talk quickly and sharply to customers it made me impatient it made me notice that

that i'm not in love song i don't knw who it's by but tori amos did a cover of it on strange little girls but the original was playing and i thought how fitting or at least it should be...you were there straight away you were rolling a cigarette was that nerves or...what was that? but i asked for one because i didn't have any and you turned it around and planted it in my mouth and i took it between my teeth then pulled it out with my fingers - one swift movement

i like to see you swoon.

i like to hear of you listening to frank sinatra. i find i melt and everything jessica becomes obsolete i am some kind of whatever it is you want me to be i would've liked to have grabbed your tie and kissed you hard and had your freshly styled hair twisted in my fingers while your head was between my legs and i bled for it

and you promise it and then you don't deliver tell me what are we suffering for i find i'm haunted by melted thoughts of you melted like wax it is old it is used it is flexible. why all this hunger why such unexplained unaccounted for want.

you just ruined everything.

i need to die.

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