i'm just reminiscing and catching strange page views

all the way back then..

i'm talking idealism.

i'm talking surprise.

imagine if diaryland had spellcheck..

-

i'm all quiet days

i'm all haven't been anywhere for weeks (over a month? monthS?)

i'm all

quiet days

but loud

so loud i can't fathom adding to it?

i'm all cut off and it's kind of what i'm needing

like rehab

but relapse

oh

shit

-

reckless abanondment

i i i

it's all

i've been thinking about

comfort zones

lounge chairs

jazz music

cigars

you know..fancy stuff

and comfortable

-

well it's sunday afternoon.

what a marvellous tori weekend

this time last year i was

all wrapped up alone

but all that love love love

all that whirlpool

what ever happened to pretty sadness?

-

things i've written in paper

a butterfly in blood

this week!

looks brown now

not very nice at all

i'm scarlets walk kind of tori

i haven't been truly scarlets walk tori since the very beginning of last year i think.

-

she's a mother.

-

like throwing everything to the wind

scattered remnants

i really like the show strangers with candy

hahaha i laugh just thinking about it.

-

bent backs and crossed legs

smoking smoking smoking

even if i do live to be much older i'm going to be sick as (a motherfucker)

i don't know where that last bit came from. can't think of anything else.

sick

i read something the other night

that made my stomach

clench up and my eyes want to shut

yes.

a real life diaryland diary that i couldn't handle reading

sickness

now look at that

i should shove it down my throat.

-

just show myself

look what you're

wasting.

-

and i do.

-

i'm all mixed up references

as well as colours

i'm all fuck you's in my own little way

all dressed up for no one and

you know the people i love with

the dad

and the janet

(ouch)

they like to tell me alot that i look disgusting

they're probably right most of the time but

it's usually when i'm feeling really good.

i never let it get to me

i think so anyway

-

losing a little each day

-

i feel like

gashes all over my insides

like my skin is hiding the product of

abuse?

some unseen figure, nothing in particular, thats not where i'm going with this

but just like this core(sorry)

ripped to shreds and paper thin skin (notes left on backdoors)

fuck

feel really not right. eloquent as that is

anything else is

-

lost in rearviews

and photographs kept under raincoats?

under beds

bad places

sadder faces.

blocks...

like gates?

like doors, closed, quietly..i'm sorry

i don't know anyone

least of all you.

somewhere..are you?

just let me clean up

let me

get a firm frip

jumping at disturbed doors

people are home

people are

on the internet

gold dust

-

please, grab a cushion?

i don't know if i feel like being alone

i don't at all want to be seen or seeing

i want to be closed eyes and maximum feeling

carried away to a point where i don't know myself, am not myself, hold no concept

of self.

i could even go for closed eyes and resting my head on a nice persons lap and having hands stroking hair...'shh'

shhh...it's ok

blankets

soft and warm

-

instead i am aching bones and twisted spines

grotesque expressions because i'm lost to this

ears pricking up to

tuna and salmon

tori starting over

give them the finger.

-

i am short skirts and long socks (2 pairs)

and 2 shirts, purple sleeves and betty boop

all side parts and cuts under thumbs

smudgey eyes...smudge smudge smudge

-

ha

i am 20 minutes

i didn't end up even really thinking much more about shakespeare that night

don't really know what i did.

sleep on the couch alot till the sun starts tinging everything light blue

(time for)

i've got you blocked.

and i'm making conversation in all the wrong directions

i'm reaching out to nowhere and clutching onto things i thought i knew

waiting for time to start again just waiting for something

and living through something beautiful

my life is changing drawing to a close as i know it

just hold onto hope

you've got light like nothing else

bound to your invention

you've got secrets shared with other places

you've got a way of reading faces

(pointless rhyming, flowing like i'm moving with it)

just forgetting anything because why should i care? stand by watching

so sick of it

just sick of everything

want to lash out want to quit the feelings in my stomach

want to rip and be ripped i am amazed - dumbfounded by random acts of stupidity and CARELESSNESS

forgetfulness, idleness

this is how you're life is turning out.

-

how did i know that?

i'll tell you how little slip of the tongue i wasn't meant to say that

jesus don't you miss me?

not really the first you know

not the first to take a heart and certanly not the first to take my pleasure

-

take a step back

straighten up

your back

get rid of that pain.

come crashing down.

rub your eyes with the back of your hands like a sleepy child

so tired

working myself to exhaustion, pushing every limit i know of

this is the result

all silence and black hair and earphones

trying to remember that i've got chance

and possibility

and i've got you blocked.

-

purple ink spots

pink pink pink

brightness

a vintage skirt.

i need a walk in the park.

i was all up for coffee at the black dog cafe this morning?

even fancy breakfasts

fresh air

fresh air.

barefoot in nice grass

it could maybe make me cry

that close to breaking - i don't know what to do

that limo driver

suck up behind me purchasing cheap goods

staring and it makes my skin crawl

strange man

strange

thing that happened just after that

remember that? all those tears and all that fear don't say anything!

and this way and that

and then not remembering how i got home.

and the way you said come here.

i feel so disconnected from you.

just everything - fucking everything.

i am fucking

everything

i am fucking it like it is the very essence of orgasm.

just fucking

mindless senseless slap-slap fucking

-

shit.

(hiding away under water)

have to drown in something......god i've got you blocked.

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