-

after thoroughly convincing myself that he Wouldn't be here

he Is here.

and instigating conversation

self centered curiousity covered up by a lie i wouldn't pick if i myself wasn't so untrustworthy

and you are...

-

and i wasn't going to mention that, at least not until much later but look

there it is

-

and i don't want to think about it because i'm so scared that if i do he'll somehow sense that and not bother to

see...

he was full of encouragement and nice ones and

yes he's gone.

yes it's you

that i want

more than

anything else.

-

that could be useless. that could be nothing but delusions.

chance and possibility.

i bet you i hear no more of him.

although i'd like to find him in my bedroom

or even just face to face infront of me in a public place

anything

-

not desperate. take it or leave it.

-

so the tickets gone because i've got no idea how to use ebay and thought i'd cancelled the sale but obviously not

and well maybe it's

for the best

it was a little crazy we didn't know what we were doing

(ever?)

by thursday i'll have maybe $400 in my bank account

please don't let me spend it all

-

fresh air

get a new suit

i don't want

-

benny seems abandoned

like we both just

got over it or something.

18 months

no flesh

of course it was only ever an idea

an idea which

had the power to change my little life i think

once or twice

-

and sometimes i think maybe i'd give anything at all

reason to believe that there's another other girl

reason? convincing

i don't want to hurt him and i don't want to be hurt by him.

how much room does that leave for anything else?

-

i remembered you on trains

if you want to i'll

hold back nothing.

turn me into whispers

-

i'll be an earthquake.

i just don't know.

i've got anticipation sitting in my gut and hanging over my head and it seems nonesensical

right?

should be

(now you see me)

now you don't bother looking twice

-

bodies like yours

in jackets

grabbing buttons

my fingers get restless

fuck

just come here.

come here.

you know how beautiful we will be.

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