i'm all shook up

(not in a great funny sing song voice..kind of melancholy)

all used up

like a

-

things just aren't ok are they

tried to sweep the mess

under the rug

(rug store. rug homes. oh tunnels)

but shit

-

and i have nothing, i don't know why i'm sitting here typing this

fuck, all day

i don't think i've really woken up to this week yet

-

suicide thoughts by far outweigh sexual ones.

months years, little strange things

stunted

-

(so i let this sit all night, it's now 10:17am)

i'm such a fucking mess.

i've got absolutely no ideawhere i'm going what i might Want out of LIFE and the vaguest distorted ideas of where i've been

i swept things under the rug right and they came back to bite me on the proverbial ass at about 4:40am today

i was asleep and i was dreaming up worlds with girls with pink and blonde hair who i used to know a long time ago

(bound to your invention like a ball and chain)

dreaming up i think i'd rther go see linda and waking up to nothing at all NOTHING AT ALL

but lamb playing on my stereo which was unexpected and screaming in my head don't care don't care don't care they don't care about you

bit back tears for minutes and then found myself with a wet pillow and snot smeared face

fucking mess.

lie on your back and let something stroke your hair

and a spider

i dreamt of the biggest evilest fucking spider i've ever

it was all so real

fuck

-

today is thursday, and what a fucking week

of all the excitement, this weekend looks as though it may be just the same as all the others

perhaps i'll go see my mum but i really don't want to do that i think, she's lovely and all but i don't want to

be around people

-

and janet says it' something with us scorpios you know

and imagine the look on everyones faces

imagine all the why didn't she talk to me's fuck you.

fuck you.

this is morning talk.

-

a whole day ahead of me, work, i'm so over it

and the nights, the long cold nights, stoned as can be just numb empty numb empty

waking up and feeling as though i've been out running races all night

i'm exhausted

i need a rest, i need a holiday from myself

-

and no one

-

this constant thought of the no one.

there is no one.

-

once upon a time

all my own undoing

-

and i find so many of the things i want to put in here directed at other people, i should be saying to myself

where exactly did i slip into this?

-

perhaps no one but alex would really remember, my intense wish to be the girl who fucks up her own life

and now i'm plagued by overwhelming fears

that i've no choice, no fucking choice

come save my life, i wasn't joking.

it's all emergency

-

i'd kill to be able to point fingers at somebody else

it kills to be pointing at myself

-

apologetic

sorry for who you are

and guilt in eyes and voices like they know what they're doing

misconceptions that anyone has a clue

talking about depression like it's got anything to do with what we're having for dinner

-

i just can't be fucked

measure from impact, wanting to walk straight out of every door unannounced and unaware

-

get the fuck out

-

down in the centre of th earth with me

-

he says too much paul dempsey no wonder you want to kill yourself

yes...yeah

when questioned i've never been better

life feels so good right now you know, like everything i want is just falling into place

lies get more grandiose the more they have to cover

sunshine.

there's not a cloud in the sky.

-

i don't know why i can't do it.

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