i was actually having belated breaky cones but there was a slight interruption so here i am to keep myself busy

oh coughing up little brown balls and everything, now isn't that just lovely.

-

i've been investigating transfers and thinking about catcages and talking out the pros and cons and figuring out some kind of game plan

i'm just going to let her do her shit if she needs to, i'll just ride it out, deal with it as best i can without getting too involved in arguments or raised voices and Not letting her spiteful tongue strike me in the ways it's intended to. she can be really fucking hurtful.

-

i had a dream featuring miss amy (schmamy) this morning

and the janets parents

but amy and i were driving in a car, she was driving me away from something i was speechless and wounded. mark was walking in time with the car, standing at amys window and saying really spiteful things. she was part of the conversation but had this look of Horror (yes, horror) on her face. he was saying things about..having a year to fool around? his choice..me holding him back..or nothing like that? it may have been yelling like a nazi and pulling out things the way i did once or twice, trying to find the thing that would hurt the mot. cut deepest.

jantes parents and a boat..happy smilings, week long retreat, steering the boat by walking..or thought..going in circles and not being able to see very well.

amy and i were driving in the bush somewhere? while the mark thing was going..at one point it got crazy and mark was gone and there were these huge kangaroos on either side of the car. we were approaching the house i dreamt of a week or so ago which was like my mums on the outside with more trees but then strange and spacious inside..it was the dream with the mouse and floating in mid air

no one else probably remembers..not that it matters, this is just a computer screen.

-

i am so fucking hot this weekend by the way. black and pink tartan mini skirt, hello...darling

-

and the benny thing is funny. there are no words anyway.

and that interruption is still....poised on the brink

-

i'm really not sure what life would be like down there. not sure what days would feel like and how i would handle it

just really not sure. but it kind of just doesn't matter at all

becuse i'm quite determined to just do it i think, it's time to go it's been a year now. a year

i think i originally said nine months

i just kind of want to throw myself out there and let whatever wants to happen, happen. nothing could be any worse than this, at least it would be Something.

not just idleness, static

not just big thoughts and spare oxygen

i am not so much excited as i am

hmmm neutral.

empty...nothing

-

meeting benny would be the beginning of the end.

i had this great little moment just before where i thought, wow

benny could come up with me for my dads birthday weekend

(it's been said that i have to..it's his fiftieth and my eighteenth a week later)

imagine that.

i'm not even going to.

it's way too possible. way too

far out.

-

hmmm far out?

ha

-

the interruptions gone and i'm not really sure i Feel like nother pipe right now.

i might make a coffee.

-

isn't it funny how

i still want to hang myself just as much as yesterday

just as much as every day, for months

years?

well, to just settle on the most "hardcore" aspects of it, every second every day bits..we'll say months.

five or six..maybe seven months

anyway

and you just walk around with it

hello, walking around with very visible scars on both wrists

and my shoulders..you know, i didn't know my shoulders (my left one especially) were as bad as they were, until just the other day i bought this sleeveless top

and well...the shoulder looks just horrible. disgusting.

so many scars, so obviously (i hope) not one of them a suicide attempt but

they just show...give evidence of....so many days filled with pain. it's sad. i'm going to carry those days around forever.

no doubt

there'll be more coming.

-

we have existence and it's all we share.

-

i walk around day after day thinking i should really just be dead. it would be better for EVERYTHING. i contribute nothing of worth to this world.

not one single little morsel of goodness comes from my existence.

i just suck and suck and suck

leech.

thief.

-

hmm i finished that sentence and somebody knocked at the door. an old man in a hat that my dad has collecting for the leukemia(? do i need an extra a in there somewhere?) foundation and i said

'i would if i could'

and then i stumbled over

'there's not even else anyone home'

he scurried off..

ahh i would if i could...funny

-

if i were you i'd be doing something else too.

-

i'm nothing to anyone.

maybe i have hope somewhere. i am here after all. walking around with thoughts. walking around. with thoughts.

happiness, coming and going..

i am completely ambivalent.

and she has no idea, i told her how lucky she is. she has no idea.

there's so much wonderful beautiful STUFF everywhere, in everything

i imagine every other person *lucky* enough to be breathing, an irreplacable gift to the world and to life and to everything.

except me.

how special do you think you are dear..really

on in how many million?

"get real"

so i should be happy right? but no i'm just confused

-

shit i really am.

so much so that i hink i just gave myself a headache.

oh dear, go have a coffee and a cigarette

(hey i thought the other day..maybe i'll give up smoking. i'd never had one of those moments before. so maybe i will)

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