it was then that i noticed that the punching bag is gone and there's just a green rope with a loop hanging down and a caribena thing on it

hmmm

-

yesterday was all messy mornings

i blame my sisters wake up call and chemical imbalances

this morning after sleeping on the couch for a couple of hours, i woke up and retreated to my bedroom at about 2:56

i got warm and read for awhile (beckers ring, somebody read it) but when it came to turning out the light and falling back to sleep it seemed impossible

my bad thoughts were haunting me again? i knew this was coming, i've been feeling so nice lately really, it was inevitable..i have been slightly nervous, last time was bad enough.

i was full of in the morning when everyone goes out i'm going to investigate that rope and hang myself. i would write an email to benny telling him of my plans and wishing him good luck with the lovely stacey, and stating that..hmm he bought more happiness and love and trust and compassion blah blah blah into my life by just being some kind of..catalyst for fantasties, than any of the *real* people in my life ever did. and that that was maybe one of the biggest reasons why something as drastic as this was necessary. also that i would probably fail somehow, as i do with everything else so he shouldn't be too worried. (although, there's not really too much room for error)

i would leave a note near the barbeque saying that i hope everyone is saying 'i should've done something' BECAUSE THEY SHOULD HAVE

(i was feeling slightly spiteful perhaps)

i was full of no ones ever cared enough no one ever asks thats because you're a fuck up blah BLAH BLAH

i'd also leave two phonenumbers on the note and maybe email the password to this diary to someone so they could..fill you in on my achievement if need be. ha.

-

i would probably leave my room just the way it is. fuck them, they can deal with it and find all the werd shit buried in there. the things that appear to have the least value (eg empty cigarette packets, reciepts) would probably be the most precious. maybe i would box some things up and leave them for bek. ah or maybe not. nobody wants a dead girls memories.

-

i still feel that its inevitable that i'm going to have to do this one day. everything seems incredibly impossible

and even though

i'm well aware, great happiness could be just around the corner

it just seems to mean great despair is just around the next..

and there is something wrong with me. i'm not sure if it's some kind of genetic inside problem that i couldn't help, or if it's all just self induced. maybe a bit of both. maybe it's heavensent who the fuck cares.

i can't live properly. i don't belong in this place, as in this world, dimension. i'm not.....i'm just not.

-

it was all horrible though. i feel ok now, after sleep.

it became so that i couldn't lie down with these thoughts and i just sat there naked in the dark smoking cigarettes and crying crying crying. wiping my face with my bedsheet.

thats not a beautiful image. it is snotty and bleary eyed and desperate.

i got my dads phone and sent benny a 'if you can hear me at all' message and whether it was placebo or if he could in fact hear me, i could lie down and things got much better after that. i could calm down and the tears stopped and i wrapped my arms around myself as if he was there? i do that so much. but i slept, with a slight smile even..well, maybe.

-

i investigated the rope this morning when i walked outside to hang the washing out.

it wouldn't take much to make a noose out of that, there's already a loop hanging down i'd just have to figure out the ahh..slipknot?

i held on with both hands and liftend my feet up, it would hold my weight easily

i was swinging slightly and could hear the creaking of the beam.

the strain was intense, on my hands

that would feel

i don't even have the words for it, but the pain would be immense i imagine. so much pain. such Extroadinary gain.

-

everything is hopeless and i don't think i will ever fit properly into anybodies life, especially my own. i'm going to end it all one day, maybe very soon.

i'm still such a coward though.

these are my morning thoughts.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next