i got my cheque today.

sooner than i expected

but fantastic

.....this is really happening?

it's funny how a little slip of paper can be *worth* so much

yeah i know..well i just know

i reapplied that smell to my wrist today

and no guilt kind of feelings, no 'this is so bad for you'

it's just a nice smell

and it makes me smile..

-

you know, beautiful girl..you made me cry! haha

in a nice way though

you just

hmm i won't even try

ha i am so weird sometimes.

-

change is everywhere..it's like everything is swaying

gravity (or is it inertia i'm thinking of? what is inertia..i should know that. i've been told.)

anyway it's loosening up, just a little bit

just enough

undulating

unstuck, it's exciting and dangerous.

i just got a craving for diorama.

hands and knees scrubbing the deck...if i think about that long enough (five seconds) it starts to turn me on

hahahahaha

hahahahaha

HAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA

hahahaha ahh it makes me think of that time at beks house

perhaps it was the fifth of may even? you were wearing the no underwear chick jeans, looked divine

and bek was absent, toilet maybe and you were..crouched down trying to get gritty out from under beks old bed

'hmm i've never seen you from this angle before love..i kinda like it'

oh yeah.

ohhhh

yeah

hmm and footsies? god, i actually played footsies with someone

mapoopoos

what the fuck?

this is hopelessly obsessive, i'm well aware

i'm just rambling away because he's all on my mind again but i'm quite into it

i'm neutral either way, i can bend and sway with it i think

i imagine enveloping hugs if you should happen to walk in the no exit doors. and sad eyes. and probably a fucking mascara smudge or two on your shirt

and rambling away because i'm full of these imaginings, and i'm letting it run free..i'm allowed to i think, whose going to stop me? they're just thoughts

the most i'm going to do is call for a hello are you going ok chat (which now i don't think i will do) or send that war book, that i bought months ago, with a little note..and maybe even another one of our flowers

i have kept this little collection of hand picked flowers for something like eight and a half months now? flowers..ha

-

mmmm

stumbling over certain track numbers

thats what started this

escapism! thats what it is..pull him out and dust him off when i need him maybe

ahh well, hopefully not. lets be nice and optimistic or something and say that

it's a mutual thing, i muse over him, he muses over me..but all the pain and the hurt and the mess right..neither one of us makes a move, why bother

yes, why bother

but hello, thank you, i love you

even as a married woman!

i imagine

-

empty musings..killing time, having a conversation even..isn't that just sad

really really sad

i feel like a big fat fake.

i'm not sure why.

-

i was watching home and away before and i think that they are quite misleading in their depiction of death? they show noah (deceased) just lying on bed with hayley (widow), chatting away, holding hands

how are kids supposed to grasp onto that? really..that could fuck people up

it's just like a little while ago, alf went through this thing where he dealt with any decision by just flipping a coin

i found that slightly triggering, i wonder if it sent anyone over the edge and gave them the idea to do the same thing

this really pretty really promising sweet girl who i spent a day with once came into work today with her mum and a bulge in her usually very very flat (this girl could be model..gorgeous) stomach

made me kind of sad. she even looked sad.

she bought me lunch that day.

-

did you just expect me to hang around here forever?

did you expect me to just stay the same

i think i almost do

i'm worried that i'll end up back here

that somehow things will go terribly wrong

i hope not, i really really hope not

i've been asking my dreams for some kind of guidance the last couple of nights and they have given me nothing.

nothing.

-

and why shouldn't the sun be god?

it gives life, light, guidance, hope

clarity

hmm on the outside

-

i wouldn't mind buying some absinthe this week. but i won't.

i can't imagine my sister ever getting into drinking absinthe with me.

i don't think she gets the whole sit around and smoke up just to sit around and smoke up thing either

we're so very different, with totally different energy levels and mentalities

there are similiarities of course, areas in which we can get along great..we can open up to eachother alot in conversation, honesty,, comfort and love

sometimes understanding, or sometimes just admitting noncomprehension

i'm not sure what her

time is like, at the moment

-

i'd like some friends.

i'd like to be able to make some friends.

how do you make friends? i'll find them somewhere, or they'll find me

everything will be fine

everything is fine..

you're fine

(for now)

-

her parents are old (she herself is over fifty) and dying. like it comes as a shock. like it's unexpected, like she hadn't been told

like we fight and we fight and we fight and we fight, just to make it to tomorrow, to next month, to next year

and then one day, one hour, one minute

there's just nothing left. you can't fight anymore. can't do it, your body gives up..run down, too tired, used up, eaten away..your mind gives up, too much, too long, too hard

just nothing left.

-

you're dying too.

-

we're all going to die, we're all going to

die

it's such an engrossing thought sometimes

comforting, unnerving, perplexing

beautiful i guess

that sounds like a description of something beautiful.

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