i'm so cold

i'm shaking.

-

i have this strange way of seeming to always be at this point of laying everything on the line.

like there is this constant threat, in anyevery moment i find myself in

finality

this fear of everything ending and everything going wrong and that everyones lying everyones lying

and nothings ever just right.

you know, just Right.

-

and theres this stupid urgency

desperate, always just desperate just so close to tears so close to meltdown

but i don't know...i don't know

sometimes i shy away from eye contact

sometimes i need it, i don't know

i'm still shaking, cold, cold

and i

i, i, i

i can be sure of two things right,

in life.

and i won't dare

but you know

-

forget everytime...shaking my head

kind of looking down, i'm sorry

but i'm not

-

stupid urgency, stupid desperation, it could become my mantra and i'd walk in circles and chant it while scratching my head absentmindedly

or or or nothing, i don't know

it's so cold that i am shaking.

or i am shaking

but it feels strange

and it's like i become a girl who freezes up when talking to a boy she likes

but only with you

only

someone with history

i'd like to hide myself away because i am an embarrassment.

-

if you watch the ani render dvd

there is this bit

just at the beginning of the scene where she's doing production stuff on ahh...loom/pulse?

and she makes this collection of noises and body movements and it's beautifully chaotic and just

well you have to see it

wow i really hope

SOMEBODY has, and is sitting there...laughing, smiling, getting that funny teary oh she's so mwah sensation

anyway everything kind of feels like that

little collection of

i wish i could think of the fucking word.

fuck

-

my body doesn't look like it's shaking anymore. but it still feels like it does

that feeling thats like...everything that your skiins holding together, is vibrating, in very small very fast pulses

pulses

hmm

-

i would offer you my pulse?

"a silly girl with nothing to lose"

hmmm...i

wonder

what your eyes

are hiding

or showing

or seeing

(or..maybe, they are even closed..or maybe not)

-

hmm i am in love with him.

but for some reason, i just can't talk to him at the moment.

maybe it's

ah fuck it, little naked me.

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