and i'm thinking thinking thinking about you and i'm thinking thinking thinking about me

and i'm wishing and hoping and

inside of me is such a part of you

ohohoh, the years burn

burn

ahhh

-

ok

i'm thinking about

how windy it is outside

and how real it all is that i can practically feel you touching me and it makes my whole body feel alive, this kind of alive that i've never ever known before

and i'm full of hope and i'm full of love and i'm full of words and i'm almost full of fear

i'm thinking about my future, this future thats looming like winter

and i know i can do it

but i wonder

if i'm deserving of it

and i'm just not sure anymore.

i know that i'm not a bad person

i don't know where all these ideas about punishment and darkness and sadness and love, such love and beauty in all of it came from

one of my worst personality traits (i've been told) is the fact that i'm too nice

too fucking nice

such bullshit

(i love your way)

but even though i'm too nice

and i would give certain people the last thing i owned if they asked for it (as long as it wasn't my cigarettes)

i don't know if i'm deserving of such a bright sunny looking future

what am i talking about

it's not bright and sunny looking

shut up jess

-

i'm too full of things right now and i don't know where to put them all, what to do with them

i haven't been this full of words since

monday

eh

-

i'm wanting things

i'm looking forward to things

this is whats thrown everything out of balanca in the last 4 months

prospects

looking forwards instead of just looking down

it's scary

when you're looking down, you don't know what you'll see but you half know what to expect

when you look forwards, upwards

it's unknown territory and you have no idea

i have no idea

what to expect

but i think i know whats going to happen

-

YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE

-

why am i screaming at me at her i know this calm down i am fucking calm

where did this come from?

i walked outside before, had my cigarette and was thinking about writing this and i was thinking about how i'm full of nice things, how funny it was that i was skipping down the street because i was thinking about a boy whose face i've only seen on a computer screen but who feels so familiar to me

as though i already know every inch of his body

every inch of his thoughts

(i'm nothing)

looking out at the mountains and fields that surround this place my mother calls her home and feeling so content because i know that when i look out at that

everythings fine

because i marvel at the wonders of nature and the world and 'god' and my thoughts and lies and problems are miniscule

and they don't mean a thing

and i like it like that and i feel this calm emptiness

and completeness

in nothingness

-

and then i walk inside and my thoughts battle against eachother like how people are gods thought and at times

they go to war

but god is evolving and so are we

so are we

(without you, i'm nothing)

i have to stop listening to this song.

i was never faithful, and i was never one to trust

(borderline and schizo, guaranteed to cause a fuss)

shut up

-

i just want to write and write and fill pages with my thoughts so they're out of me and onto you out of me, onto you

i'll poison you with all of it and leave you lying on the floor and i'll step over iyou in my new purple imitation docs that i bought at the markets and i'll move on

and not pay a second thought to the one who took all of it on without one complaint, one word of objection

i remember my primrary school as clear as i remember what my old bong looks like

-

i haven't smoked through a bong for months and months and now i'm wondering why

and i'm thinking tomorrow i might just make one

i got an ornamental pipe today that has a porcelain cone piece and i think i'm going to ruin it by smoking a giant cone and pretending that i'm classy

probably with amanda

-

i'm going to cry

not really but this song

fills me with such

emotion

that i probably could if i tried hard enough

-

immuteable

impossible

ahhh

(you're everything that i want and ask for)

-

what would happen if i began indulging in myself again

-

i really need to have sex with someone

i'm thinking about it alot which really is nothing out of the ordinary but

fuck

i need to have sex

-

i know i can't have you just yet, what with the whole living in another state and all

but i know who'll be just perfect

and i have my plan worked out

no doubt, now that i'm all happy and so highly evolved (forgive the vines reference..i can't stand them but that is a great line)

i'm going to continue on this social life thing

and will see you out sometime

and theres been this sexual tension there for over a year so i'll walk up to you and (just to be safe) ask if you have a girlfriend

(god i hope the answers no. not that it's ever mattered to me [the whore] but i don't know how you'd feel about that)

you'll say no and i'll say 'good, have sex with me'

we'll go

i'll lead you into the bushes

(because she's always classy and a hopeless romantic..)

and we'll strip down and get straight to it

then i'll get up and leave before either of us have a chance to feel anything more than an orgasm

and that will be that

(slippery yet satisfying)

and perhaps if it's good enough one day we can repeat the process

because you are rather cute

and we both know we both want it

(forgive the lengthy nothingness, god knows she'll be back for more tonight)

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