i want your hands running over my smoother than usual brown shoulders

and i feel sick when i think of you because i know

this will never happen

for 3 days i've hardly eaten hardly sleeping

i never thought i'd see myself like this

over something

like this

-

listening to ani difranco and the weather

invites tears

and i walked in the rain

trying to smoke a cigarette and every

drop

on my skin was like

a reminder

of how many places on my body

your hands will never grace

and it faded after awhile so i was

oblivious

to what was happening around me and i imagined a boy

someone different someone

i've never seen before

would sit next to me and i would put my head on his shoulder and cry

as if i just found out you died because i think that that might be easier

to deal with

than this.

and i would cry

because i need to because i'm feeling

like a girl

who tastes tears

when she smiles and a girl whos

heart breaks

when she moves

-

there is something diffeent in my eyes now

something i've never seen before

and i don't know what it is

or what it means

and maybe it looks good it looks better than before but

i think i might be willing to sacrifice that

if it meant it would go away

because

even though

it looks better

it

makes me uncomfortable

and i can't stand to look at myself anymore

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