the day somewhat reflects my mood.

16 fresh cuts

16 fresh wounds on my body

(self inflicted of course)

mostly on my legs nd one so big that

i got a little worried for a second

they look great

they're big deep dark red

a part of me wants to flaunt them to everyone i know and another part wants to

curl up and die at the thought of it

-

the dy

is grey

and windy

(wild is the wind)

the day is undecided

over whether or not to pour down rain on all the people

-

my cats sitting on my lap

cosmo

i have a pet fish

(marlo)

-

i don't think i should've done that last night/this morning

i hadnt shed blood like that for

just over a month i think

(feels like longer)

-

taking a few steps backwards

actually getting in a car and fucking reversing as fast as i can until i crash into a wall

(don't ask)

-

my cat is cleaning herself and she rests her paws on my arm and i can feel her rough little sandaper tongue on my skin

cats tongues are strange

-

i'm going to apologise to someone today, not because i feel i have really done anything worth apologising for but

because of the human in me

the fact that what happened could perhaps be slightly embarrassing (although really, i don't know why - it shouldn't be embarrassing)

so i'll make some lame ass apology

i don't know

i think maybe we're wasting our time here

pointless exercise

-

everythings a pile of shit

-

i have 2 cuts on my hand

one bigger than the ever and it's stinging everytime i make a fist

i have (i don't know how many - 5/6?)

on the top part of my lower leg (if you know what i mean)

means i can't cross my legs like a lady because

(painful)

i have one big deep one that hardly bled at all

(the kind that just start off as a whitey/pink gap in your skin and then slowly fill with blood but thats it..not really much dripping)

and the rest are higher on the side of my thigh

i aalready had alot of scars there and now this is going to make it maybe more messy but i don't care

one of them is huge

maybe 4-5 inches long and deep

and wide

i had to soak up blood from it for about half an hour until i got tired, then i went to sleep with a tissue stuck to it

(blood stained sheets)

-

it was nice to just sit and indulge in myself like that again

better than sex.

-

and now i''m just sitting here

listening to an old sound lab tape and feeling numb as ever

i have to go to work

i have to walk in town and buy face wash and cat food and

a 'sugar' jar to complete our tea and coffee set.

my dad and his girlfriend have gone away, my brother is driving them to the airport

it's janet (dads girlfriends) highschool reuinion this weekend

in wollongong

which is where my benny is

(he invited me to stay there this weekend. i haven't as yet replied, but obviously..i'm not going anywhere just yet)

if i'm going to g down there, i'll do it properly

take some time off work and see my sister first and then go see benny

maybe end of january?

we'll see.

wow

so i went quiet for week or so

and now

all of a sudden in the space of a day something like 4 new entries

when it rains it pours darling

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