alot to say

i've been writing all this in my head for days

where to start?

-

woodford.

folk festival, goes for a week, i went by myself

for 2&1/2 days

something wasn't right

(fear in peoples eyes)

made me wonder if they were scared of me

-

2 older spiritual men offered me the world

i don't know what it is about me that attracts these people

one was german he could hardly understand a word i said

usually people just can't understand what i mean

-

the other

(Sonnet)

is really really beautiful

an indian man, with these incredible dreadlocks that go down to his knees (!)

and this beautifully small body

really dark skin

nice eyes, gentle atmosphere about him, gentle touch, i felt very comfortable with his energy around me, so close to me

said that pain was screaming out of me

(maybe thats what everyone else saw, maybe thats what they were scared of)

i am in alot of pain.

-

but it's ok

i'm also the happiest i've ever been

i'm not really feeling either of them

feeling comfort in the fact that every day-every second-death is getting closer

feeling comfort in music, in being by myself, in thinking about words, in knowing that 2 people acknowledged that i live 2 very different lives

i think i'm more tuned into the one that isn't

real.

-

also

it seems alot of people think i ave an eating disorder

my dad, brother, janet, danni, alex

alex.

(he actually got disturbed by me talking the other night. i never thought that would happen, usually he just laughs at me and looks at me as though i'm an idiot)

danni said alot of people

have been asking her if

i've stopped eating

(the funny thing is, i have...bones stick out of me everywhere now, my spine..is amazing, still i feel incredibly fat. i acn't stoomach food though. i don't consciously think of it, i think maybe i read too much about eating disorders, they really fascinate me, and it's gotten into my head a bit too much again. i just really love feeling physically empty. food inside my mouth down my throat just sitting in my stomach, it's so disgusting. so i don't know what to think)

deadened eyes

(my eyes have become quite dead again)

i'm so numb

i'm so fucking out of it

even when i'm not Stoned, i'm fucked

fucked

(off my head - out of my head)

-

i had sex with

mark

(so beautiful)

we were both a little over excited

(i was nearly cumming when we were holding hands in the car)

so was he

(there's this great energy between us. it's amazing, i'm not even fully aware of how much i feel for him i think. i think he effects me in most ways possible. i have to block it out of my consciousness because i just can't comprehend it)

-

benny

(ahhh benny. so definately meant to be a part of my life)

sent me an email last week, subject-why are you so beautiful?

(why are you doing this now?)

it was this beautiful email, he just rambled

religion wars alchohol friends things he hates seeing beauty whats helped him that he's feeling like shit in life right now and has nothing to live for

i wanted to know how he was going, where his head was at

i wanted to know him like i used to

(i really do love him. i think i always will and i think one day.something really beautiful will come from the 2 of us)

and i do.

he's really really an amazing person

-

i have a mobile phone now

i avoided them for awhile but

christmas present

and already

i've become quite social with it

(these days i'm constantly surprised at the amount of people i know-friends i have?)

-

i have all this fear in me

like seriously

alot of it

i know what it's for

i cant bear to say it out loud, i don't even contemplate saying it to anyone or even writing it

but

if i don't get rid of it, i'm never going to be the person i could be

(i could be really amazing)

but

i just can't do it

i really feel that no matter what happens, there are these

things

that i'm never going to be able to act on

(to admit them requires great action to be taken afterwards)

-

so i'm hoping like fuck for the end of the world

maybe thinking about it a bit too much, taking it all a bit too seriously

(thats what alex got disturbed by)

but fuck

i need that

i cant possibly livea whole life

i need that.

-

so i don't know

i'm pretty

sorted in alot of ways right now

pretty

not aware of everything thats happening, pretty tuned into my oown world and losing touch a bit

people are starting to notice

attracting attention to my lack of weight

but i feel fine.

i really do

i'm in love with mark

hes in love with me

i'm not sure where it's going

i'm not sure if we know why we love eachother, or what to do with it

everything went really quickly but

it couldn't have happened any other way

i don't know

but it doesn't matter right now.

-

peace to everyone.

i hope at some point today, and everyday every person in the world gets even just a little flash of peace.

(i'm constantly filled with love for the whole of humanity. idiotic race that we are..)

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