(fuuuuuuuck)

-

lime scented moist towelettes lime in sweet sangria my mother has a lime farm

(fuuuuuuuuck)

-

money

hundreds of dollars

music cigarettes

pot

-

eating

food

i don't like to drink because i prefer to have a body free of

weight

liquid weighs me down

smoke just fills me with air

-

(pretending there's glamour)

i was thinking of anyone but you when we were having sex this morning

i imagined it was bek eating my pussy.

(benny)

fuuuuuuuuck

(german beer. i don't think you know the real reason you were drinking german beer)

radiohead

(why radiohead?)

-

that person

you live with

tall

black hair

(see you around alot)

for some reason my eyes feel incredibly comfortable looking at him.

as though

they just

fall

on him.

-

i'm really uncertain of how i feel for you

whats happening here

sex

really selfish sex

you give everything and i relish in taking it all

(it shouldn't be like that)

you're really beautiful.

-

in every way.

you're amazing, really incredibly amazing.

mark - you're everything but

what do i do with everything?

i'm not everything...

i think we need to sit down and get to know eachother again

we established how we feel lets establish who we are

-

that book

why that book

-

i've been getting scared

-

feeling really disconnected from everything feeling like i need to lose myself in something - there's a budding addict growing before me (i could join him)

-

feeling more alone than ever

feeling empty

feeling complete in emptiness

detached

unwilling

unwanted

invisible

-

all i want to do is bury myself in my bedroom with some books paper cigarettes and pot and

smoke until i disappear

never come out

rot in my room and stink out the whole house

wow.

-

(i would like to kill someone you asked me to scratch you till you bleed)

couldn't do it

i scratched myself today

my body's looking incredible

(it's amazing what people telling you you look anorexic can do for your confidence)

i couldn't help but

running nails

pressing hard feeling flesh

peel

big red scratches all over my stomach

(they always really like my stomach)

-

in less than an hour you finish work and you're coming to pick me up

wow

that fills me with butterflies makes me feel really nervous

-

we need to talk

i need to be able to be as honest with you as i'm being right now

i'm really uncertain about something mark

im not sure if it's going to

stick around

or not

could just be some 'new year anxiey' or something

mark

(have you ever really THOUGHT about evolution?)

(benny - sometimes i feel i want to SCREAM your name until you hear me and scream back)

there's comfort in knowing you're out there somewhere

(i know what you mean)

someone out there who i don't know face to face but who thinks of me often and feels love for me

who thinks about me while having sex

i do the same

(if that was you who sent me that message while i was having sex - something weird is going on, can you feel it? - i was thinking of you then i was

feeling you then

so yeah...something weird

-

don't understand why

i have this boyfriend now

incredibly beautiful

and instead i'm still thinking about this boy this

person

who

could be nothing like what i think i know

(but benny fuck i love you)

jess!

calm down

hold on.

-

benny you're feeling it again too aren't you

-

approaching something big

-

i got 3 cds yesterday

-

i walked around my town in a short denim skirt with 5 big pinkish purple scars screaming FUCK YOU to life from my hairy mishaped legs

purple boots

pj harvey

nice big belt

(that cute boy with the really skinny body works in the jeans shop his name is nathan we have really beautiful moments basking in eachother sometimes i really enjoyed watching him and mark making eyes at eachother)

we were both on our way to world bazaar but i didn't say so, just stayed and had a cigarette and ran into you again on your way back

i'm really full of people right now, there's these people all around me and at the same time my head and my self is getting LOUDER

more alive

waking up

WAKING UP

(sleeping self loathing)

knowledge and progress and wisdom making bliss

(theres alot of truth right here. and fuck. thats incredibly comforting)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next