i'd really like to be feeling something else right now, but darkness invites me

and it so warm an so welcome

and so familiar

so comfortable

i don't have to be alert but i am so incredibly Aware

tuned into myself and that part of me thats raw

human energy

human being

-

(only now)

i want something so real i can ttaste it chew it (spit it out)

be disturbed by it have it take me to new levels

(i feel i need to find a new drug)

would really like some kind of addiction to live for other people are just so complicated

(waiting to be reborn)

won't you come sit down and talk to me till my demons run away

-

want something so real i try to breathe it in and choke on the thickness of it

want something so real that nothing else is relevent nothing else matters nothing else effects

me

(i get this at times with you i get this most times with you)

your smell is that which i choke on

(so thick, overbearing, completely comforting)

-

even in your arms

i can't escape myself

i haunt her, follow her around plating thoughts so demonic so irrational so un-real

convince of that which she needs not know

(right now i'm not even paying attention, running raw emotion, what am i feeling right now, who am i thinking)

i got told that i've always had at least 3 very seperate and distinct personalities

would've been nicer if she could've told me sooner

(i would like to know what that means)

she said i could change multiple times in one conversation and that it would get worse and worse with drugs

(dosn't everything)

i'm really lost now and people can see it but i think i's gone beyond that point

where help is needed or even really wanted - i just can't be bothered with thoughts of salvation anymore

i'm feeling as though i'm going to be quite content just rotting away, the process has already begun i'm slowly dying one day at a time

(thats so comforting)

i don't even care if it will screw up a whole heap of people

i really don't.

-

they can deal with that themselves and if it gets too much for them

the options always there.

they can make of it what they will

-

there's some kind of comfort in the concept of 'delete' isn't there

a huge comfort really

-

madness

music

mystical

imagination

creations

manifestations

self mutilation

pigmentation

irrelevent revelations

sexual exploitation

alone

isolated

seperated segregated removed

denied.

-

(wheres the use in words)

communication seems to be entirely pointless

(devils got my tongue)

want to cut myself off from you want to cut up my blood vessels and feel the llife floing out of me feel that last breath leaving me thinkig my last conscious thought

no doubt it would be something incredibly mundane incredibly pointless and incredibly obvious

perhaps i'd simply notice that my light was on

perhaps i'd think that i should've fed my fish first

perhaps i'd think of cosmo and regret what i'd just done

perhaps i'd think of nothing

perhaps i'd feel

(just for that moment)

perhaps i'd want to cry or laugh or scream or run for help or

want it to go faster

or feel my soul leaving me my heart breaking - stopping brain shutting down throat closing up eyes growing black

feel death clutching at me inviting persuading romancing dancing singing touching me like fingertips reminding me of everything that life is that i hate

introducing me to a world thats no better

showing me that death is an existence just like life

(with light)

-

i wonder to what degree certain people in my family would be disturbed if they read this

-

(does it break your heart to see me dying lying never ever crying)

un focused eyes and i can't keep still

-

i'm disappointing to the majority of people who care for me

they think i should be living a better life

i couldn't ask for anything more though

-

i really feel as though

i've started down a definate path leading to death

i relly feel as though i'm dying, i'm starting to feel some kind of peace i think

reading about jesus and spirituality and truth and love and sharing

feeling connected to all of it, feeling these memories being refreshed

army of light

jesus' soldiers

maybe i'm one of them

maybe i can't be bothered to stick around for the end of the world

i want to die this year.

perhaps i'll even make that my

'new years resolution'

i feel thats going to be the fascination this year

killing myself

(starving myself to death)

-

i can so deal with that

in fact

i'm really looking forward to it

(here you come again with the wind at your heels)

brightest thing i've seen for years and years

-

(wanna wrap you in love)

benny started calling me babe again

benny started saying i love yous benny started sending sweet emails benny started haunting my thoughts

(he feels so right, all the time)

again

he's doing all these things

again.

-

mark

maybe we should open up to eachother a bit more

i'd like to sit with you for a night and listen to you talk, listen to you read and sing and play your guitar and tell me about music and muses and what it was that made you sad in the first place

why you wear so many bracelets why you don't like your elbows why you like to drink what it is about jim morrison if you think you're really real, really true or if you know that you're just fake

that we're all just fake

i want to know how in tune we really are with eachother

i want to know everything about you

i want you to inspre me to want to die even more

i want you to make me incredibly sad with how beautiful you are

i want you to make me cry, feel something, feel anything

you make things go away but only when i'm with you

(and not all the time anymore)

magics starting to wear thin i feel

-

i want to tell you my stories

i want you to know why

i want to hear myself making explanations and maybe i'll hear myself say something i'd never really thought of before and maybe i'll find out why

maybe if i can make some sense of it for you it will make some sense for me

i'd like some answers

to questions i can't put words on but i know in my heart what they are

they are questions i was asking long before i was born into this world and given the name jessica kate taylor

they're the whole reason i was born into this world as jessica kate taylor

maybe it really is something in my soul, maybe i've been struggling for a long time, forever even

maybe

my earthly self hasn't been able to help my spirit self

spirit needs to move on again

(soon enough)

-

sometimes

(i'm so alone)

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