(i'm running out of time)

urgency, nervousness, i've been feeling sick

waking up sick

going to bed sick

!!dreams!!

dreaming every single night, becoming more vivid, i'm more aware

i remember colours

and faces

voices songs- words don't get spoken but i Hear them anyway

-

((i'm really sick))

i don't know why

everythings gotten worse

just like the dreams

everythings more real now

i don't know what to do

the people i live with don't wantme there anymore, my sister wants me in sydney but----do i want to live with her again??

and benny.

and mark

fuck, and mark

mark is amazing

bek ---- bek is just divine

-

i was on tv last night

well kind of,my voice was

was kind of weird

talking about internet romance

meetings

and ani difranco

(yeah, on channel v..)

-

i miss amanda

amanda, if you're out there --- i'm missing you alot

your message last night - wow, was jack on the phone for that hahahahaha

when you come back we have to do something as soon as possible

i need to talk myself out- things aremore fucked than everdarling but this time i think i have words for it

i need something

things are getting closer

something is closing in on me and i don't know if i can (or want to) stop it

complete self destruction is on it's way

less and less to live for

expecting less and less satisfaction from death but even That has to better than this

it's all fucked

walking around bedrooms, mumbling to myself and that IDIOT in the mirror - everyones fucked, listing off names and they're all Fucked!

banging myself in the head- i can't feel that, why the Fuck can i not feel that??

somethings wrong

i need my computer to be fixed so i can stop locking myself in my bedroom with sad sad music and a blood stained book

(3 weeks now benny, 3 weeks - i'm getting scared and becoming disillusioned. whats happening to you? you're happy now and i'm just more fucked than ever)

and it's true

more so than ever

everythings true.

(amanda come home soon)

i have to go to work.

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