oh wow, i miss him so much.

already.

i miss him more than i thought i would and i miss him more than i should.

especially when he's

probably not missing me.

-

i go to sydney in

9

days

-

i have this feeling that benny's going to get scared again

run away again

(don't get scared benny)

coward.

-

and

that when i get back from sydney

i'm going to want to go see mark

-

i had this dream last night that he asked me to go and live with them

i find it really bizarre that dave has asked me 3 times when i'm moving down

mark hasn't even mentioned it

i think it would be a disaster

i think he thinks that to.

-

last night i went to this

christian

gathering thing

my friends mum invited me to it

it's a 6 week long

'40 Days of Purpose' thing

i've signed myself up for the full 6 weeks

don't know why

i doubt it's going to change my life

completely

but hey

i've nothing better to do.

-

i think i might end up moving to sydney a month or so after i come back

there's nothing for me to stay for

(sorry amanda)

and it's really my only other option at the moment

my sister goes to mexico sometime soon though so i don't know what will happen then

she's going for a whole month.

she wants me to come with her

if she pays for it, i will

-

i don't know what i'm doing

i had all these beautiful things to say in this entry but sitting here in the fucking bus terminal place just

takes away from my mood.

-

i bought 4 cds on saturday

i can't stand to listen to Grace because it makes me too sad

i cry alot

usually a couple of times a day

it's amazing

for so long i just couldn't cry at all

and now it's hard to stop

but afterrwards

i feel so much better

i'm not sure if it's because i think i look really cute when i'm finished or because of the whole

expressing pure emotion thing

-

i miss having a computer at home

i've been writing like crazy and i want to share it all

that book

wih blood on it

got more blood on it

(14 more on my stomach, ass and legs)

cuts cuts cuts, good music - cut to hallelujah that was absolutely beautiful

and i finsihed it off with these long 'marks so beautiful, i'm so sad' things

and bought myself a new book

with a red cover

-

i have to send mark an email

i don't know what to say

i have ALOT to say but

i don't know if it would do him any good to hear it

i don't know if he even feels anything for me anymore which is fucked because it all started out so beautifully

so amazingly beautifully

and he started it

he found me.

-

i wonder when it was that i lost him

was it

when i told him i was in love with benny, not him

(it's funny though because after i said that to him, i noticed benny starting to float into the background - i would hardly think of him at all, i would only think of mark)

was it when i was incredibly hopelessly depressed for those 3 days and just acted like an idiot

or was it the 10 cuts tht afternoon when we got off the phone

5 before we sorted things out an then 5 after

because it was just so pretty that we made up

i had to bleed for that

-

was it the whole

wanting to spend time with you instead of you and your friends

was it

the fact that i'm scared of your dick, can't touch it, can't look at it but will take everything it's willing to give to me

-

he said

'for the last 3 days all i've wanted to do is hear you orgasm. can i make you orgasm jess?'

darling, evidently, yes you can

over, and over, and over again

while it's raining and i'm in the front seat of your car, thinking about biting your neck and wishing i'd be able to draw blood

you haven't touched my stomach since my gills appeared

i want you to touch my stomach

-

when did you get over it?

or was it a gradual thing, you said you were slowly disconnecting to save yourself this massive heartbreak at the end

i didn't do that

didn't see the logic in it

now that i think about it maybe it would've been the smart thing to do.

-

i need to get a computer back

beautiful miss victoria, beautiful miss sonya and the 2 lovely amandas - i miss knowing your thoughts

-

i have to go try and figure out what the fuck i'm going to say to mark in this email

hopefully regular updates will be back soon

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