well

a big fat 'wow' is in order

-

35 consecutive hours of sleeplessness

i felt so amazing

in the airconditioned comfort of your litle sisters bedroom

and you were asleep next to me

so close your breth would make this wisp of my hair move and tickle my nose

-

maybe 10 minutes of being in the presence of bek and

there he was.

all freshly groomed and eye linered up

black t shirt

you never wear t shirts

and you're scared of hairdressers

you apologised

on the steps where we sat

months ago

and i said

'what do you think of us'

you apologised

in front of an audience

bek

a stranger

and that girl

the one who's in love with you

(it's nothing)

-

'you should call me tomorrow. before lunch time'

-

a blissful time with bek

sitting in a gutter i smoked 8 cigarettes while she smoked 2

walking over sand and getting scared of a puddle

2 great big sticks, we were holy figures of some kind

and a phonecall

while we're sitting on the beach

the toothless poet calling to make sure i'm ok

i was great

-

sadly we had to part

you had people to meet and alcohol to drink

so we went our seperate ways and i sat on this seat for 2 hours unable to seperate myself from the afternoon..unable to move

i finally make my way home only to watch footbal for an hour

and then realise i had

and then just float

read

not able to write yet

until just before 3 when i got a message from her

she finds herself in love with the idea of 3 day old blood and scars hidden under clothes

we arrange to meet in the presunshine morning

we sat on a roundabout and got told that it was

'dangerous'

so we moved to a stoop further down the road where some strange drunk boy wouldn't leave us alone for 45 minutes

dick in our faces and hands groping voilently

asshole.

-

mcdonalds

for 4 hours

a lady who just happened to be 'clairvoyant' did our numbers for us

we didn't get kicked out for smoking

10am (24 hours) i have to go home..i'm meeting mark today

i get home to find some flowers on my bed and half a pck of green extra

mark has been here.

have a shower, i wash my hair and shave my legs (!!)

i call you

you were beautiful

i woke you up but thats what you wanted

(flashbacks)

'i'm lying down in airconditiong, you should be here...i'll have breakfast waiting'

it took me 3 hours to build myself up

took a piece of that gum and bit off pieces

my whole self melted

it's the taste of you

the sweetness and the wetness

i call a limo

-

silence the whole drive there, the lady pulls up at your house and i turn to her and say 'i've never been so nervous in my life, you have a nice day'

i don't even have to knock on the door, you come out to meet me on the steps

for maybe half an hour

we're uncomfortable

we don't know what to say

or do

sitting inside

'jess, can i give you a hug'

(finally, i'm at home)

-

on the verendah, we're still uncomfortable

'jess..i've been really depressed'

and we spill our hearts to eachother

and reralise how utterly not alone we are

that everything i've been feeling

you've been feeling

can i hold your hand?

you put your head in my lap and finally...finally...things feel so right

i have tears

falling

my fingers are in your hair

which is coated in hairspray and put in curls...itt's beautiful though

your neck..your hands just resting on my knee

we're back

where it's comfortable

we share kisses, hugs, smiles, the 'your so beautifuls' that used to fill our days

you tell me you can't love anymore

therre's this huge void in the centre of you (i know, oh..i know)

will you come and lie down with me?

gladly...

-

hours lost...day becomes night...it's time to go, you have

people to see

alcohol to drink

i need to sleep...

(33 hours)

-

'i know this shortcut'

we got lost

it took us an hour and a half to walk a walk that should have only taken 40 minutes

we have to say goodbye soon

i suggest we should

treat it as though we'll be seeing eachother tomorrow, or next week..

thats a great idea

after sitting and talking and holding...we say goodbye

see you next week

'you should fall asleep listening to grace'

i have a beautiful walk home, amazed at my lack of sleep and all that has happened

i tell everyone i see

that i feel great

i run into miss amber

(it had been months)

and then, surprisngly, alex

(what is he doing in hervey bay?)

i got a lift home

-

took off all my clothes and slept

to grace

4 hours later and i'm dreaming..grace is still playing, on repeat..there's a tapping at my window

i wake up

and

it's still there

who else could it be...

more flowers to add to my collection

'i'm naked..'

i want to be naked too then

-

can you believe this..of all moments

benny

sends me a text message just after mark has taken off his clothes

'i need to know exactly what you're thinking right now'

what else would i say..

'i'm thinking about glorious naked mark sitting on my bed..and you?'

-

so there we are

and night becomes day

and you're thre

next to me

naked

with bite marks

my bite marks

'i said today that i can't love anymore...you're the closest i come to that'

shhh...

i'm in a

womanly way

so all this time spent in beds

and we didn't have sex

('it's probably good you have your period, or we would've just fucked like animals and i don't want you to feel like that')

but it couldn't have been more beautiful

so many things...

-

wake up in the morning and just lie there with you...a knock at my door..ohh shit

my brother

he got drunk with you and miss bek on friday night while i was floating

he didn't mind and didn't seem surprised to see the two of us naked

entwined

i made you a coffee and we sat outside with our cigarettes listening to bic runga

'i want you to come to brisbane'

i can't...give me 2 weeks

(when he first climbed through my window, just after removing his clothes he tells me..i haven't been honest, it's been so hard for me not being with you, and i've tried to pretend to you that i'm fine with it, that i'm so stong about it but i'm lying...i can't do it)

and then you have to go....

i walk you half way home and once again we do the

'see you next week' goodbye

but this time

we walk away and turn around 3 times...we have to stick to our guns

i got 7 phonecalls from you yesterday afternoon

-

i find i'm uncertain about sydney but i say nothing

and you say

'be prepared to wake up early every wednesday morning, it's bin day..our room is at the front of the house'

freudian slips i presume...

-

apparantly when jim morrison sings 'old america'..it sounds like 'miss jessica'

-

i fell asleep listening to grace again

-

i will see you in 2 weeks....

we have just

sabotaged

ourselves again

we both know that

this can only be momentary pleasure

and long lasting pain

but i think it's worth it

-

i like your new hairstyles

and your eyeliner

i like you alot.

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